I’d like to talk about something that has bothered me for quite some time. Twenty-three years, to be precise. On the 23rd of April in 1985, Coca-Cola made their big announcement that they would be changing their formula. Remember that? Well, Katy, you’re excused from this since you weren’t born until a couple of years later. But the rest of you, do you remember that? Let me remind you – or enlighten you – whichever is appropriate.

Pepsi had such a great market share of the soda pop drinkers that it really started threatening Coca-Cola’s business model. So Coke decided they needed to change their formula to taste more like Pepsi. Ahem. Let me repeat that in case you didn’t hear me properly. Coca-Cola decided that the best way to get back in the taste race was to change their formula to taste more like Pepsi. Wait. What?

I have several large problems with this, and – had they called me, I could have saved them millions of dollars and a lot of heartache. Seriously, any of you could have done the same thing. If you were alive, at least. Sorry, Katy. It, in my mind, doesn’t take a genius to see the behemoth anathema you’re about to step into.

The first problem is the line of thought that tells you that if you change your formula to taste like Pepsi, the Pepsi drinkers are going to automatically switch to your product. Maybe a few of them would. But hey, listen, if someone’s been drinking something for twenty years because he thinks it tastes good, why the hell would they switch to your shit? You really think a large portion of the Pepsi market is going to abandon their taste preference in lieu of your new shit? Seriously. The marketing guy who didn’t see this should have been shot on the spot.

Secondly, and this one perplexes me even more than the first, you’re going to abandon your own market share. If someone’s been drinking something for twenty years because he thinks it tastes good, what the hell makes you think he’s going to like your new formula? That tastes like Pepsi? Uh, I’ve been drinking Coke because Pepsi tastes like Armadillo bile, but yeah, go ahead and change your formula to taste like Pepsi. I’ll follow you because of your name.

Seriously. Think about that for a minute. Let’s say there were fifty million people who drank Coke faithfully. You switch your formula. What in the name of The Elephant was that marketing guy thinking? He should probably have been buried alive for that stunt. You just abandoned fifty million people, thinking these sixty million who drink Pepsi are gonna switch to you? So your net gain – if (and let’s be very generous here and say half,) half switch – is a loss of thirty million? Good Lord this baffles the shit out of me.

Anyway, July 10th of 1985, just three short months later, they were forced to return to their original formula, calling it Coca-Cola Classic. And of course, there are those who believe the formula has forever changed now. Maybe some of that shitty Pepsi sugar is still left in the big vats or something. Or maybe they forgot the exact formula – you know the one they have locked in the Sun Trust bank vault in Atlanta? – and so it tastes just a little different now. Either way, I lost a lot of respek for Coca-Cola on that day. And that little taste trade trick they pulled left a bad taste in my mouth. Ahem. So to speak.