You know what Venus Flytraps do? They catch mothereffing flies, that’s what! These things kick ass. If you’ve never seen one in action, I suggest you run up to your local hardware store or retnec repus tram law and pick one up. My girlfriend walked by a whole aisle of them yesterday and said, “Ooh ooh, kick ass! Check this out, Space!” Yes, she calls me Space.

So to make a short story long, we came home with a Venus Mothereffing Flytrap. And it does what the container advertised: it traps some mothereffing flies.

First of all, let’s discuss a little history of the plant. You have to understand how it works to appreciate it. There are little tiny cillia inside the bulbs that react when triggered by stimilus in rapid succession. If something, in other words, touches the inside of the bulb once, it will probably get away. So it won’t immediately chew your finger off. Speaking of which, I told Step not to put her finger in the bulb, and she looked at me with wide eyes and said, “It won’t really get me will it?!” Yes. She really said that. Yeah, I know, it’s cute. So anyway, these cillia are triggered into action by something stimulating them more than once in rapid succession.

So when a fly or spider or other insect lands on the leaf thinking it’s gonna get a tasty meal, it becomes a tasty meal. But also, too, in addition to that, as well, you have to respect and appreciate the intellect of this carnivorous plant. It won’t bother with tiny insects that would take more effort to digest than the amount of nutrition they would provide. That’s pretty effing smart. Furthermore too, they only really prosper if they get to go dormant for the winter. And check this freaky shit out: if your winters are too mild, it’s recommended that you place the plant in a plastic bag and leave it in your fridge (probably the beer fridge, I’m thinking) for a couple of months. No shit. Read it on wiki, doodz.

So I must admit that it didn’t snap that fly out of the air. I swatted the fly and tickled the leaf with its legs. And sure as shit, that leaf snapped shut tighter than a vice. It actually got my fingertip too during the process, and I had to have Step run out to the toolshed and get my pry bar so I could have my finger back. Just kidding, I don’t really even have a toolshed. Anyway, click that little spot image and watch it grow. And then rush out and get you one of these bad ass freak of nature plants!