Coming Out of the Closet

During the Great Robot Fiasco of 2010 a couple of months ago, where my Pusher and Shover Robots malfunctioned and tried to push my red-haired wife down the stairs (instead of my grandmother), I spent a lot of time in my closets. I spent time in my water closet testing and replacing parts on my air handler. I spent time in my master closet testing and replacing circuit breakers. I even spent time in some of my neighbors’ closets looking through their clothing and enjoying the various scents attached to the legs of their slacks and dresses. But now, my friends, it’s finally time to come out of the closet.

Yeah, see, I really just wanted to say that. It feels good to say it. But it feels even better to finally be out of the closet. See, after several long hours spent in all these closets around my house performing repairs, I realized some of those closets could use a good once-over cleaning. I realized I had junk on my shelves in the master closet that had been sitting there for years. Just shit like picture frames and curtain rod holders, cabinet knobs and stacks of important papers, electron shufflers and relastics diodes. You know, the stuff you find in just about every closet in America.

So I decided to clean it out. I’m sorry, Momma. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I’m cleaning out my closet. (That’s the song I played during the entire duration of my stay in the closet; I was ready to destroy my radio after the 19th cycle.) Well, let’s just say my closet is now cleaner than it’s ever been. It’s cleaner than any other room in the house. And it’s probably cleaner than yours. What do you think about that?

But some of the stuff I found in there really surprised me. It’s amazing what we throw into the backs of closets, or bottoms of bins, then just plain forget we ever had it. Like I seriously don’t remember receiving a pair of handcuffs with red, fluffy boa covering on them. I can’t imagine what they’d be used for either. I don’t know where I got that third magazine for my Browning Hi-Power. Don’t remember getting it at all. I don’t remember ever receiving a battery charger, a lithium pen stamp, a reticulating cockball assembly for a hypercoil transit monitor, or a Pokemon collection that rivals my son’s. But I do have them all, and I found them all in my closet.

Whence does all of it come? Were they gifts from some distant relative, so unimportant as to be forgotten as soon as I finished opening them? I can’t imagine not appreciating the pen stamp or the extra pistol magazine. But I absolutely have no recollection of receiving them. And the RCA for the HTM, I can use that in my SpaceRadio. So I’m not complaining that all the stuff is there. I just can’t believe I would have forgotten I got it.

So did someone come into my house and perform a reverse burglary? Did they invade my homestead and actually leave some belongings there? I hear that type of home invasion is getting popular with the leftist government cults. You know, let’s steal from the wealthy and put it in the poor people’s houses, because everyone deserves to have the same shot and the same stuff? Yeah. Well, if that’s the case, thanks President Obama!

But seriously. You should see my closet now. I never knew I had so many hand towels. Like every single hand towel I’ve ever purchased is in there. And now it’s all folded. On its own shelf. I’ve got perfectly organized shelving systems, ridiculously meticulous oragnization in my hanging clothes (separated by type: polo, long-sleeve, pant, Hawaiian, ones embroidered with the Benevolent Order of Antelopes emblem; then color-coded), and a seriously bad ass warfare station. That’s where you’ll find my quick access gun safe and my ammo cabinet with the pin-coded spring-loaded door and the booby trapped fallout for anyone who goes snooping. I haven’t checked the dungeon in a while, but there might be some poor unfortunate democrats down there.

So what weird stuff have you found in your closet? Have you found anything you know you didn’t put there? I know for a fact that none of this stuff was there when I moved into the house. It wasn’t one of those things where it just came with the house. No, because I built that closet myself. So tell me what you’ve found in your closets that you either forgot you put in there, or have no idea whence it came at all. Yeah, now I can’t wait to go find what treasures await me in the attic!

5 Responses

  • Snap says:

    Moving was a great experience for me as it forced me to not only pack everything from my old closet but then unpack it all in an organized manner into the organized gem that is now my closet. I found some interesting things too… Like a 2 cup coffee pot. Didn’t know I had one of those. I found like four pairs of shoes that I don’t remember buying. I discovered I had two of Shift destroyed one of them…

    I guess for me though, it was the things I didn’t find that made me most curious… Things that made me go “hmmmm, where did that go and why isn’t it here?” So I will continue the quest of having the parentals back home send me things, and have Shift continue to get things from the old house…

  • SahSah says:

    pretty much the standard faire – screws from drawer pulls that fell off, cassett tapes to video cameras I do not own, cassett tape covers to cassett tapes that have long been thrown out, magazines to which I have never subscribed or would, coupons for things I will not ever buy, shoes I cannot part with on the allusion that I will indeed at some point have them repaired and they will most definitely not go out of fashion, dog leashes, dogs, cats, random components to Lego creations unfinished because the peice was in the closet, things I bought that I will not wear and neither would anyone else and was purchased simply because I needed to have something to write about later – yep. Standard faire.

  • Catina says:

    Heather probably bought it all and forgot about it. Magazine for you, pokemon crap for Callie, and the fuzzy hand cuffs for that visit I never made it to. I just went through my crap last week and sent lots of it to a “land fill near you” or the goodwill. Not sure why anyone would want it but I am sure that my trash is in fact someone elses treasure.

  • Jeremy says:

    How about a snake? I found a corn snake in my closet once. Also found a hammer once. Looked like it was from the 1800’s. I got nothin

  • Space says:

    So did you beat the hammer with the snake? :haw: