Good morning, friends. Welcome to Bacon Talk: our award-winning weekly segment, where we get together and discuss whatever’s on our minds, over a hot pot of coffee and a greasy plate of bacon. Really, can you think of anything more perfect? I think – excuse me. Uh, Haycomet, please make a note to remind me to get with Butch and Bruno after our talk. I want to go ahead and have a balcony built outside the 23rd floor conference room windows. I’d like to have bacon outside next week.

Sigh. Okay. Sorry about that, readers. Anyway, here on Bacon Talk we’ve been covering some really ground-breaking topics that are both newsworthy and relevant to your lives in a way you and I can’t really begin to express. Yes, friends, we do listen to our readers. And we do talk about the very things that make you happy. Because making you happy makes us happy. And when SpaceBrew is – okay, I’ll shut up.

So anyway, we’re talking about a topic that I don’t really care too much about delving into. But I know my readers like them and Haycomet was very enthusiastic about covering them. So I’m going to do it. And you know what, I’ll enjoy it. There are so many directions you can go when you’re talking about breasts. Shape, size and construct are just a few. We’ll cover them all this morning. Good morning, Haycomet!

Hay hay! I am really surprised it has taken us this long to chat about boobies. I couldn’t have said it better myself, Space, when you said I was enthusiastic about covering them. I think covering them is the smartest thing to do around a man when there is a conversation taking place. A man’s eyes do tend to wander south.

Space, even though you are trying to downplay your interest in this subject, you are the Director of Breast Appreciation, are you not?

Does that make you a “breast man” over a “leg man”? Aren’t all men “breast men”? Can there be a straight man alive who doesn’t appreciate a beautiful bosom?

Yes, I am the Director of Breast Appreciation. There was an opening on the staff that needed filling, and I – being service before self – took it reluctantly. And to answer your second question, I think that yes, there are straight men who don’t care about breasts at all – and certainly less than they care about legs and ass.
I’ve been called a “big breast man” by several people in my life. And while I agree, I have to explain that I’m not necessarily a big breast man, I am most definitely a big breast man. I love them all shapes and sizes. That’s really what makes the world go round if you ask me: the fact that men have different tastes.

Sure, every man has his own taste in melons, but it seems that women feel that our breasts have to be big and voluptuous. So am I to assume that’s a misconception? Speaking from your experience and conversations you’ve had with your guy friends, would the average guy rather see small perfectly formed perky real ta-tas, or huge double-F fun bags that were clearly fake? Be honest.

I know, women feel like they need bigger breasts to be looked at fairly, especially when standing next to a stacked actor. And while I don’t know the statistics, I’d say that yes, men for the most part probably prefer to watch the D-cups bouncing down the street over the A-cups. But that’s not true for me. At least not as a rule. I personally would rather look at the woman who’s showing more skin – whether they be small or large.
If there were a woman walking toward me with a turtleneck covering D-cups, and a woman coming down the stairs wearing a low-cut blouse with A-cups, I’d be watching the latter.
So do you feel inadequate sometimes, since you brought it up? Do you think you need implants to make you more attractive, or to make you feel more attractive?

No, I don’t think I need implants to be more attractive per se, because they wouldn’t change my face, and there are still men that pay attention to the face. I did think about getting implants at one time though because I was buying shirts that were the right size, but my chest didn’t fill out the cut of the shirt. That was frustrating, but then I realized that one: I didn’t care most of the time, and two: I knew how to use a needle and thread so I could alter the clothes to fit. I would like to have big soft perky D-cups just for one week, so I could see if men really would treat me differently.

See, you have an advantage though: you can go braless and not really have to worry about it too much. Women with gigantic naturals can’t really do that. Because their bellies would get all sweaty. At least yours stay where they’re supposed to.

Well, yes, going bra-less is more comfortable at times, but the bigger the breasts, the more necessary it is to wear a bra. Big mammies can cause back, neck, and shoulder pain whether or not a bra is worn. During exercise, however, a sports bra is a must. I know if my modest hooters hurt after bouncing around while running, that a woman with huge jugs would really be in pain. Not to mention that it is more aerodynamic to wear a sports bra, but I’m sure no man cares about that.
Socially speaking though, if a woman goes bra-less she is considered trashy or slutty by other women. I told you women are catty biotches. I think men, on the other hand (or should I say IN the other hand ) prefer to see some nippleage. Am I right?

I think it’s kind of hot. Not trashy or slutty. But then, to me, slutty is synonymous with hot.
Now I’m not gonna be that guy who says women need to send in photographic evidence so we can judge the hottest boobs. I’m above that. Because I know that not every woman has a camera, or access to one. And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
One thing I’ve noticed though – speaking of boobs, and maybe you can help me answer this – is that women seem to forget what they’re wearing, and constantly bend over, giving us men a look straight down their tops. Wow, that was a long sentence. Do women do that consciously, trying to get attention (because it freakin’ works), or do they really honestly just forget that they’re wearing something that could potentially become revealing?

Yes, there are definitely women who do that intentionally. The contraptions and clothing that women will use in order to create more cleavage is insane. There are bras filled with water, silicon, and even mattress-grade foam that will increase bust size by one or two cups. In turn, it creates better curves and more cleavage. Then they top it off with a snug deep-v neck shirt and… “Oops, I dropped my pen.” Yeah, I can’t stand that. Not because they go to all the trouble of doing it, but because men fall for it every time.
There are some who are innocent. I remember one day you even said something to me about it at a birthday party. I bent over for some important reason, and you were like, “Whoa, you’re showing a little too much, Haycomet.” I was shocked because I never think of myself as being able to show off anything in that area unless I’m completely topless. That’s when I looked down and saw “Mammary Lane” and thought, “Oh, he’s saying I’m showing some cleavage.” So not all females think about it or try to use it to their advantage.

So getting back to your question earlier, I would rather actually look at real small ones than big fake ones. And that’s honest. I know a lot of guys don’t care whether they’re real or not, but just like them as big as they can get them. But I don’t really care about size that much.
I know a lot of women who get them done and become just as fake as their boobs. And look at Pamela Anderson, who got hers done, then had them removed, then got them done again. How ridiculous is that? Can someone say compensation?

That’s pretty crazy, but that’s what society has done to women. From an early age, the differences are pointed out. I remember standing in the lunch line in forth or fifth grade and being asked by another girl if I thought I was a “surf board” or a “turtle”. I knew what she was trying to insinuate; I said said, “surf board” and laughed it off.
Even magazines, television, and movies seem to pick the big-busted women to flaunt on the covers and screens. If that wasn’t bad enough, the “lesser-boobed” ones witness the differences first hand. It’s frustrating to see well endowed women get treated like queens. They get their drinks bought for them, and some even get more. Meanwhile, flat-chested chicks have to buy their own drinks and work hard for every little thing. What? I’m not bitter.
I’m sure it can be a double-edged sword for some. What if a chick is highly intelligent and just happens to have an awesome pair of sweater puppies? Would anyone take her seriously? Would anyone truly listen to her opinions on string theory? Probably not.

So do you think this trend for artificially implanted vanity will cross the gender gap anytime soon? Will we start seeing penile implants? God, that scares me. After my second reduction, I decided I’d just live with what I have. The knife is scary down there.

*Dabbing coffee off of décolletage after nearly choking* Yeah Space, I’m sure that was horrible. Please don’t do society an injustice by getting another reduction. *stifling laughter and clearing throat* Okay, what was the question? Oh yeah… will men start getting implants? The answer is: some men already get implants. Butt, calf, pec, bicep/tricep, and deltoid implants are becoming increasingly popular with men. Weird huh?
So, something I’ve been wondering, Space. Would you rather have your wife go buy an expensive piece of lingerie or slutty black vinyl push-up bra to cradle her gorgeous headlights so that you can “unwrap” them, or have her let those babies shine from the start! Oh, and how much do you think is too much for a woman to spend on a bra?

Well, first of all, Haycomet, my definition of lingirie is different than most men’s, I’m sure. I like the plain men’s boxers and a wife-beater or some other kind of tight or dainty t-shirt a lot better. Especially a tank top with low-cut arm holes. That’s lingirie to me. But with that said, yeah I still like to have it hidden for a while. I much prefer seeing women accidentally showing something, or showing a little over the women who just bare it all at strip clubs. Those places do nothing for me because they remove all imagination. If there were a strip club that catered to my fantasies, there would be braless women walking around, bending over to pick up their pens and whatnot, and allowing you a peep down their blouses. Hay, everybody! My wife’s are in a class of their own though. She’s fantastically built – and that has not so much to do with size, but just – well, just perfection.
The bra thing – you know I hate bras. I know some women need them, and there are a lot of women I think should be made by law to wear them. I have no interest in seeing anything jiggle on the grandma down the street who has gargantuan knockers bigger than my entire torso. But women who are of a more moderate size should go without bras whenever they get the chance. In a perfect world at least. Secondly, I have no idea how much a bra costs anyway. So just to throw a number out there would be insignificant. I do subscribe, however, to the theory though that women shouldn’t promote false advertising in the chestal area. Wearing something that pushes up, corrects, or creates the illusion of awesomeness is just all kinds of dangerous. Some guys only like perky or firm ones, and when they take their bra off to show the man they have saggers… I’m just sayin’. So, a bra (if it must be worn) should be nothing more than a bra. A support system. Not some MagicLift™ Anti-Gravity Breast Levity Device. Don’t spend anymore than what a normal bra costs.
Well, Haycomet, have we beat this topic to death yet? ‘Cause we’re almost out of bacon.

I wouldn’t say “beat”, more like gently caressed the topic.
This was great, Space. I love hearing a guy’s point about things like this. All in all, I think it was a very uplifting conversation, and I’m glad to have supported the subject. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

I too feel better now that we’ve exposed this topic to the light of day for our readers. It’s important to stay abreast of our opinions and new advances in technology in this area. And of course, the topic has (I’ll finally admit) been jiggling around in my head for some time now. To finally blow the top off the mystery is both exciting and warranted. Have a great weekend, readers.