Way to go, the United States of America. On Independence Day – the day in which you celebrate your nation’s birth – the most important day in this country’s history – you host a hot-dog-eating contest. Let’s all celebrate our nation’s freedom and make ourselves look even more gluttonous and stupid and self-serving and arrogant by stuffing our obese faces with tubes of processed pig intestines and giraffe anus. I can think of no greater glory!

This hot-dog-eating contest has become a staple in American entertainment. These skinny little dudes eat fifty-plus hot dogs in a matter of minutes. They dunk them in bowls of water so they’ll go down more quickly and easily. Do you know how bad hot dog buns (or any bread, for that matter) taste when they’re soaked with water? Yeah, me neither. You know why? Because it’s gross!

Sometimes I’m so proud to be American that I get tears in my eyes just seeing someone salute the flag. I get chills and head-nods seeing us prevail at the Olympics. I served my country for four years, and those were the proudest of my life. But then things like this happen and it makes me want to hide my head in shame. Seriously? We had to hold this stupid contest on Independence Day? Really guys?

We’re already the laughing-stock of the world. No one likes Americans because they’re selfish, arrogant roosters who only care about the next good time. And we’re also the most obese nation in the world. How can we march around hoisting pennants that read “END WORLD HUNGER” when we stuff our faces with hot dogs for a contest? It not only makes me ashamed, but it sends me into a rage. I hate humanity.

Why not see how many hot dogs we can stuff into a C-130 cargo plane and send them to Africa? Idiots. Way to honor those who have served, and celebrate the birth of the greatest nation on Earth, you morons.