I’m always amazed at how far we’ve come in the last hundred years with technology. It’s crazy that only a hundred years ago we had just invented the telephone, and now we have cellular shit, that doesn’t physically connect to anything, that can send pictures and texts and porn instantly to anyone else with a cell phone. Through the air. I still have trouble understanding how an analog phone worked, transferring voices across a wire. But here we’re sending that stuff through the air. And it’s digital. What?

But I really came to talk about media formats today. Well, cameras would be one qualifier: we used to use photo plates in our cameras. And film. Remember film? Ha! Now we use memory sticks and whatnot. And the idea is apparently to make them as small as possible. Seriously, give it a rest, people. My phone has a one-gig micro SD card in it. It’s smaller than my pinky fingernail. But it holds a gig worth of pictures and music. And porn. What the helling hell.

You ever see one of those crank-up record players? They sound like crap. And the records are thick and heavy like glass. And they sound like crap! Then came the wax ones, then came eight tracks… My dad used to sell the heck out of those eight tracks, boy. Then came cassettes. Who would ever need anything else? Then of course, we came out with CDs. And now we’ve gotten rid of those all together. Well, I have, at least. I use mp3s almost exclusively now.

So my question is, how small will these things be getting? Seriously, am I going to have a CD album in my car in the next ten years that holds a million records in it? Each record is produced on a thumbnail-sized cartridge (about as big as your thumbnail) and you pop it into the solid state memory slot of your car stereo. They’re so tiny that you can easily misplace them, or break them. Or mistake them for a thumbnail and chew on them. Seriously!

I’m tired of things getting smaller and smaller. Don’t try to insert your funny joke here, people. I don’t want to see anything in the comments about certain things getting smaller. That isn’t a problem I face – mine’s already about as small as it can get. But seriously. Processors, mother boards, memory sticks, hard drives, laptops, watches, our pinky toes – it’s all getting smaller. And to what end? Are we aiming for shit so small it’s impractical? I mean, obviously laser discs weren’t the answer. But I think DVDs aren’t bad. That’s a good size. I collect them. So the cases are about the right size, like thin little books on my shelves, and they look good. They’re easy to handle. But if you shrink them down to the size of dimes, what have we really achieved? People would be misplacing them and breaking them constantly.

So I propose we stop making shit smaller, before it gets out of hand. So to speak. Let’s just stop here, while we’re ahead. Let’s not try to show off. Hey dude, check out my new cell phone! “What? Where.” Oh, this little black thing here. “Oh, wow. I thought that was a Barbie shoe!” Let’s just draw the line here and step the hell back. It’s getting ridiculous, and we’re beginning to look a little foolish. And some things could stand to get bigger again. Ha, ha, ha. I know what you’re thinking and I beat you to it again. But really. Laptop mice? Yeah. Get real dude, make them bigger again. Cameras? Business cards? (Have you seen the little half-size ones? Come on, people, for the love of Giraffe Cock.) Take a stand against dwindling media sizes. We have to get this under control before their heads get too big and they decide to start shrinking stuff that matters.