Happy Useless Commercial Holiday!

Yes, it’s tomorrow. Already. It seems like yesterday was Valentime’s Day 2005 and I was trying to find a way out of buying a bunch of crap for my lovely wife. My problem, before you start thinking I’m an insensitive prick, is not with buying her stuff. I do that all the time. I’d say three or four days a week I buy her stuff. My problem is that some dipshit named Ronny Valentino just suddenly decides there needs to be a holiday named after him and the world now celebrates it.

It’s not a real holiday. You know how I know? Because we all have to work! If you don’t get off work for the day, it’s not a real holiday. But secondly, the fact that it’s a nationally or globally recognized lovebirds day should not mean I am obligated to buy chocolates and flowers for my wife. She already knows I love her. But if I don’t, then I’m an asshole because all her hot teacher friends will be getting crap from their students and loved ones and husbands and gay lovers. “Oh, H24,” they’ll say, “Where’s your heart-shaped box of fattening junk food?”

So yeah, I have to get her something because the calendar says I have to. I’m obligated by consequence. Meh. It’s bullshit. So I told her not to get her hopes up this year. I finally have a worthy excuse. I bought her a house. We just moved in this weekend. So I said, “Hey baby, don’t expect a box of chocolates this year. Not even a card. I just bought you a 340-thousand-dollar present.” And of course, she’s totally cool with it. But you know, I’ll still have to put a vase full of roses on the kitchen island or something. All because some loose-lipped Italian thought we needed a love day. Gentlemen, if you showed your woman you loved her the rest of the days of the year, we wouldn’t be stuck in this situation now. See what you’ve done?!

This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Flavio Q Crunk

    F Valen Times. I hate that holiday! It’s right up there with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Like they need another day. One more Hallmark Holiday.
    Thank you, card companies for keeping yourselves in bitness.

    bitches.

  2. trumby

    I’m with you on that 100%. It’s just a ploy for businesses to jack up their prices. I once had roses shipped in from South America for a girl and they were like $120 for a dozen. WHAT???

    Thankfully, I’m exempt this year. No trip to Tiffany for this homeboy.

  3. hijo

    You forgot the best part… Waiting in a restaurant line for an extra hour to find out they have a special “Valentines” menu which features the same crap at twice the price.

    F Burt and F Valentino.

    Now I will scurry off an buy my sweetie something.

  4. Brandy

    Bitter much! You shouldn’t hate the day . . . just the cliches. I mean, I don’t want flowers and chocolate. Flowers die and chocolate just adds more time at the gym. But we ususally do something together. One year we stayed in and made pizzas. Last year we went to Fredericksburg and climbed the Enchanted Rock. Be creative guys! Bite the bullet. It’s for the ladies!

  5. Space

    That’s the point, lady. I can do romantic fun things like that 364 days a year with my wife. But if I miss that one ASSIGNED LOVE day, I’m in the dog house. ONE DAY can ruin it all!

  6. Brandy

    Okay, well it beats “Boss’s Day.” At least you like your sweetheart!

  7. Kay Ray

    Its so funny how you added “her hot teacher friends” THAT IS PRICELESS!!!

    I think it’s a silly holiday. The reason why it sucks is: just say you get your wife a dozen roses and some chocolate’s and send them up to her work… and another teacher gets two dozen roses, a teddy bear, and some lollipops. That teachers husband just one up’td you!!

    Last year for my 30th birthday I got 4 delivery’s of flowers and it was a co-workers birthday too she got NADDA.. I loved rubbing it in!! just kidding :)

    This year I won’t be getting any deliveries for V-Day but I got in the spirit by wearing red and pink today and some unusually large silver hoop earings… That had nothing to do with this post but I just felt like typing it!!!

  8. Anonymous

    I didn’t get a special present for Valentine’s Day this year, and I didn’t get to eat at a fancy resteraunt either. In fact, we ate at McCdonald’s….twice. But it was a McCdonald’s in Paris. That’s the only gift I need.

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