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The Rocket Science of Our Generation

Have you ever noticed that everywhere you go, no matter where you are you – hang on. God that sounded stupid. Let me start that over. No matter where you are, if you’re in a bathroom… Shit. Nevermind. Why do all bathrooms suck so badly?

Specifically, the hardware. Why is it that in every bathroom, no matter how nice the place you go, has trouble with this? THERE! That was the sentence I was trying to say in the beginning. Why is it I had such trouble with that? So you can go into a nice hotel or a fancy restaurant or a shitty little gas station, and if they have stalls in their bathrooms, guess what? They’re either wobbly, or coming off the walls.

So let me get this straight: we can stage a moon landing and fool millions of people all over the world for some thirty years, but we can’t build a bathroom stall system that stays attached to the walls properly? Whatever company it is that makes that hardware must be the place to be. All bathrooms use the same bullshitty looking chromey hardware with those cutesy little trick screws that only turn one way… What, like someone’s going to come in and try to unscrew them so they can take a piece of that piss-stained grafitti-laced metal with them? No!

And I can picture it now, all those guys who invented that little one-way screw back in the late 70s, early 80s, whenever – all standing around celebrating at a party. “Man, guys, we really hit the big time with this patent. People can screw it in, but they CAN’T UNSCREW IT! High five?”

Instead, they should have been thinking of a better way to engineer the foundation and support for these divider walls so that they wouldn’t fall off the walls. Granted, most of the time, it’s the anchor itself – the screw driven into the concrete or tiled wall – that starts loosening up. But shouldn’t that prompt a lighter system of some sort? Why do I care about this?

I’ll tell you why: because there’s a million-dollar-idea out there, waiting to be invented. That’s why. Because every bathroom-owning restaurant and hotel in the world would immediately realize how badly they needed this new system that they’d never have to replace. And they’d order one! And of course, it would sit in the basement or storage rooms, never getting used because they can’t get the screws out of the old ones.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I stole an entire shitter once because they used regular screws. Sort of throws a wrench in your entire theory, huh?

  2. scott

    Why the hell would anyone steal an entire shitter out of a public bathroom.

    Let me guess, I bet you don’t get laid much, do you, unless she’s a honky tonk girl. And further more, I bet you have a shitty job, with a shitty salary that can’t afford to buy one.

  3. Someone Who Cares

    You guys are idiots.

  4. Kinetic Kim

    It sounds to me like you pay way too close attention to the walls when you’re in the bathroom, spacey. I’m always in a pretty much of a hurry just to get out. Those places make me uncomfortable.

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