There are five types of pain, as the title of this column suggests. I’d like to discuss with you just a few of the four types of pain, because it’s important – I believe – for you to be able to identify all three types of pain.
The first type of pain is a physical one. Say you get your foot stomped on by a passing horse, or your arm sawed off with a rusty bow saw… That’s pain number one. And it’s excruciating, and you’ll probably cry. The first of the six types of pain, we’ll call “Crying Pain”. It’s bad. It doesn’t happen often. But when it does, you know it because you cry. For sure.
The second type of pain we’ll call “Crybaby Pain”. This one, again, makes you cry, but not because you got your toenail ripped off by an angry giraffe. No, the second pain is an emotional pain. This is the one you feel when your girlfriend of three years decides she’s going to up and move to Nebraska. Or finding out you have a sixteen-year-old daughter in another state, and you just missed the first sixteen years of her life. This pain makes you cry because it sucks. Not because it physically hurts. We’ve all been there.
The third type of pain is what I call “Cussing Pain”. So in this pain, you don’t cry, but it damn sure hurts. And it makes you cuss, or want to punch something. It’s typically brought on by slow means, like maybe a razor blade running up the length of your Schroedinger, a millimeter an hour. Slow, painful, and cussworthy. The pain can be torturous and maddening, but it’s brought on in such a way that it doesn’t cause you to shed tears. Unless you just rammed your nose into a plate glass window, which always brings tears. Screw noses, they make you cry even when you’re not sad!
Another way to go about experiencing this third type of pain – this rich, disastrous, exquisite teeth-grinding pain – is to get a tattoo that crosses over your shoulder bone. Which is why, of course, I’d never do it.