Remember how I told you I was going to The Boot? Well actually it’s more like A Used Condom, but whatever. The point is, I went. I snorkled on the beach (actually in the water near the beach), I sat under umbrellas and watched the ocean, I drank cold beers and I looked at women. Did you know you can get Corona in a can? I thought that was pretty awesome. I got some pretty good shots while I was out there. Click on that picture and you can see the set. I put nine photos up in the set.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my return flight. Because no one cares about what happened on my vacation. Nothing exciting. I got in several fights on the beach, beat up an entire team of muscle-bound volleyballers because they pissed me off, got bit by a shark and ended up dislocating his jaw for him, got so tan that I got discriminated against at Ricky’s All-White Bar and Lounge… Like I said, nothing interesting.
So on my flight back, I was happy when the person who took the seat next to me was a young lady. She wasn’t attractive as such. But I didn’t want to sit next to some ten-year-old brat like last time I flew – trying to tell me he has Honus Wagner’s baseball card and all the other bullshit that comes with. And I didn’t want to sit next to some old woman who was going to try to ask me where I was from, ask why I had so many tattoos, and try to show me her false teeth. I also don’t want to sit next to a guy my age, because he’ll try to relate and buddy up with me, and I’m just really not into the single-serving friendships that happen on flights. Know what I mean? Let me explain why young women are okay.
Because if they’re about my age, they usually keep pretty quiet. Unless they’re very forward – which has only happened once, and by the end of the night I had to drown her in the bathtub to keep from being killed with a screwdriver, but that’s another story – they’re usually pretty shy. Guy about her age, could be good looking if he had a nosejob and a fake mustache, possibility of maybe hooking up, wants to be on her best behavior – you know. There’s just a certain dynamic there that makes it cool to sit by them. Because they usually mind their own business and stay quiet and let me be happy avoiding humanity at all costs.
This woman was about as smart as a bag of rotten Cheerios, and graceful as a drunken lumberjack in a ballet class. So they had to bring her forgotten driver license to her. Then before we even took off, she was nodding off. You know how when you were in high school government class and you would rest your forehead on your hand and you would keep dozing off and when your head would start slipping down you’d wake up just enough to straighten your wrist back up, only to repeat like 4982329438 times before you finally give up and just try to stay awake? That’s what she was doing. Then she tried leaning her head back and it kept swinging over toward me. Her ponytail kept touching me.
When we took off I decided it was time for my little in-flight nap. When I woke up an hour later, her head was on my shoulder. Now I’d like to tell you that she was a hottie and had wonderful soft red hair and I could see down her blouse, but that just wasn’t the case. I’d also like to tell you that her breath didn’t smell like she had eaten rotten oysters and skunk livers for breakfast. And you know, normally I would tell you that. But the truth is more interesting.
So I grabbed her by the pony tail and shook her head a little to wake her up. We sat up, she apologized, I said whatever, and they started serving drinks. I got my usual. She got an orange juice, which she proceeded to spill all over my leg and my foot. I was fortunately wearing my rubber Crocs, so they won’t be stained or anything. But I got orange juice all over my foot. No. She got orange juice all over my foot. Then she asked for another one. She had it all over her knee. It looked as though she’d wet her pants like the old lady two rows behind me.
I thought briefly of grabbing the emergency exit door and ripping it out, letting her get sucked out into the sky. I, of course, would be holding onto the seatbelt, so I wouldn’t get sucked out. Then I thought, no, that isn’t very nice. So I pushed the handle back into the locked position and kind of giggled to myself.
Nothing else exciting really happened on the rest of the flight. I looked through the sky mall magazine and considered ordering some of those steak branders. Yeah. You can personalize them with your initials or whatever and brand your steaks. So that before people slice into their ribeye, they’ll see your initials and say, “Hey, neat!” Then I decided against it. Overall, it was a good vacation. I didn’t see any celebrities. Didn’t get to go diving. Didn’t get dogpiled by seven foxy girls in bikinis behind Tiki Bob’s. (There were only five.) But it was a pretty good vacation. I needed to get away and just hang out in the Florida sun for a while.
Maybe in a few days I’ll tell you about the ridiculous phone call I got as soon as I stepped off the plane.