I figured since Shine is posting her series on “How to be a Good Girl”, I could help you fellas out from a male perspective. Now I must preface this with a disclaimer – I will not tell you how to be a “good boy” or anything gay like that. I’m not, nor have I ever been what anyone would call a “good boy”. I know nothing of it, and therefore cannot offer any words of advice in that direction. I can, however, tell you some things that might help you make it through life without being made fun of or getting your ass whipped too badly.
I also can’t promise you that I will have ten rules. I may or may not add to this list at some time in the future, but for now, be happy with the few rules you’re getting. And take these to heart. They’re coming from a tried and true bad boy with personal, first-hand knowledge on how well they work.
Topic #1: Fighting
I’ve been in a bunch of fights in my life. And though I’ve come away with bloody lips and black eyes a few times, I’ve never really been beaten up. There are a few rules that go under this category. Number one, and clearly, the most important, is don’t take your shirt off. Guys who rip their shirts off before a fist fight lose all respect from me. It’s pompous, arrogant, and – well, just gay. No one does that. If you can’t fight in your shirt, you shouldn’t be fighting. You’re not a professional. You’re not in the “red corner”. Leave it on and don’t be a douche.
The second rule is to avoid listening to anyone in the circle. If there are ten or twenty people crowded around watching you fight, don’t listen to them. Chances are they don’t have your best interest at heart. Some of them may shout, “Oh that’s bullshit! Don’t kick him while he’s down!” Either point at the guy who says that and say, “Feel free to get out here next, or shut the hell up,” or ignore him entirely. If you’re kicking someone while they’re down, it’s for good reason. You have to make sure he doesn’t get back up and whip your ass for you. You make sure he stays down. Likewise, if someone in the crowd yells, “Cut him with your knife!” you ignore him. Unless you’re in a knife fight, which is just tacky anyway, you leave the weapons with your buddy.
Thirdly, if the guy taps out, show some mercy. If you’ve bested him and he’s on the ground begging you to stop, grab his wrist and whip his arm up behind his back, straddle him and put your mouth close to his ear and give him a good warning. “If I stop, you better keep your ass in line. If I have to fight you again for any reason, I’ll take it so much farther than this that you’ll wish I was Hulk Hogan.” Or something gay like that. See, the thing is, I’m not the type of guy who likes to talk shit. I don’t make threats and waste a lot of time telling someone how badly I’m going to whip them. Number one, you might get whipped yourself. Then how stupid will you look? And number two, no one likes a talker. Even if you whip someone’s ass, do it respectfully. When he taps out, help him up, brush his back off and shake his hand. Be a gentleman about it. But it is important to let him know somehow (not in a gay way) that if he gets back up and comes after you again, you won’t be so nice about it. Make sure he knows it’s over before you stop kicking him. Too many times I’ve seen the winner turn to walk away, and the guy on the ground gets up and tackles him from behind. This usually only happens in the movies though. I don’t know if that counts.
Nextly, any weapon you use is fair game for anyone. If it’s a good old-fashioned fist fight, you shouldn’t be using weapons. But if you get jumped by three Mexicans (or Hebrews or Taiwanese), you’re entitled to even the odds by picking up whatever is available. Also keep in mind that some weapons are not handheld, or even mobile at all. I’ve used newspaper stands, curbs and car bumpers when necessary. Use your best judgment here.
Finally, if there are girls present, make sure you don’t kick the other guy in the face when you’re done. Because then they’ll feel sorry for him, and you won’t end up getting with them. When all is done, just wipe some of his blood on your cheek or something discreetly, then kind of limp toward the girls acting like you’re in pain. You’ll probably get the hook-up at that point. Girls, please feel free to remove your shirts so the guy has something to wipe the sweat and blood off his face after the fight. He may also need it as a tourniquette. In that case though, a bra usually works better. Just keep these things in mind and take care of your fighters. Next time he may be fighting for you.