Ever notice how smug the Quaker Oats guy looks? It doesn’t really make me want to buy their product, it makes me want to kick that pilgrim’s ass. He in fact looks like he’s trying not to laugh at you. And speaking of kicking ass, I’ve now settled my old hypothetical: Mr Clean would definitely kick the shit out of Mattress Giant.

But seriously, brand-name characters are either just really bad ass, or really bad. Bad ass? The Most Interesting Man in the World, for Dos Equis beer. That guy is bad ass. I mean, hell, his blood smells like cologne. Bad? Jared from Subway. Is this guy’s fifteen minutes not up yet? Will someone please run over his stupid ass? Look, Subway Marketing Campaign Advisor Guy, we all know he didn’t lose all that weight only eating Subway sandwiches. Sandwiches have bread. Bread has carbs. Carbs make people fat. We don’t buy it. So please. Retire his stupid ass and let’s move on. We’re all sick and tired of his birth-control face by now.

Other characters that should go ahead and be retired include the Arby’s poltholder glove… Wait, what? Who came up with that brilliant piece of shit? The Burger King… That guy is just creepy. Skinny little ankles, women’s shoes, scrawny legs (in tights) and a face that never changes expression. When he got run over by that car in the last commercial (the reverse pickpocket one) I thought it was finally over. I jumped up and threw my hands in the air, ready to celebrate. Then he got up and ran off! Someone end him! Jack, from Jack in the Box, on the other hand, is okay. He would kick the shit out of Burger King if it came down to it. What’s funny though is that I won’t eat at Jack in the Box. I much prefer Burger King. But they need to find a new character. Even Ronnie McDonald is still okay after all these years. A little gay? Perhaps. But hey, he’s a clown. Give a guy a break. Plus he helps children.

The Sonic commercials are great. The dude with the glasses and his wife, or the two guys. I like them all. Ever notice that they sit there and eat at Sonic and never remove their seatbelts though? Yeah, eff that noise, doodz. Another thing that bothers the shit out of me are these commercials on the radio where they get the guy who talks like he just doesn’t care… Know the ones? Like the Allstate guy now. It’s like one company hired that guy, now everyone has to. “Life comes at you fast,” in that monotone pretentious I’m better than you bullshit ass voice. Yeah, so does my fist, asshole. Give me more Sam Elliot saying, “Beef. It’s what’s fer dinner.” Now that guy is the king of crunk. I’m also okay with Jeff Bridges. He sounds cool talking about batteries.

And one character they shouldn’t have retired is the Marlboro Man. That’s just shitty. I mean, come on – that guy was al- — hang on. Wait, okay. I’m being told he passed away. Uh, okay, let’s move on. Anyway, you get the point. Some characters are great, and some just suck. But I’m just wondering who these marketing guys are listening to if they don’t pull the bad ones. How can you let something just keep sucking when it’s dragging your company down? I won’t set foot in a Subway now. Well, I do have to admit it’s not really because of Jared. It’s because there’s a Quizno’s across the street. But people don’t have to know that. I can tell them I stand on principle and lift my chin.

So what characters do you love, and which ones do you love to hate? Discuss.