I was listening to the radio in the kitchen Saturday morning (because we have one of those kick ass radios that mounts under your cabinets and plays your iPod and stuff…) when the most interesting thing happened. I got annoyed. Yeah I know, it’s not seldom that happens. Anyway, this guy called in and was making a joke about one of the disk jockeys, so one of the hosts goes, “Tell him who you are!” to the guy on the phone. So of course our ears perk up and we get all excited, because there’s someone who is obviously very important on the phone.

It was the corny dog eating champ.

So this guy ate twelve corn dogs in like ten minutes and is obviously very proud of himself. And the hosts were asking him questions about eating corny dogs and whatnot. He’s answering them like he’s an authority on something. Get over yourself! You ate a dozen corny dogs at the state fair! I bet there are three people on my street who could beat that record, but you just happened to show up to the fair. And enter the contest. Fag.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty ridiculous how they were hyping this guy up to be something special. Like he’d done something really great with his life. They ended the call by calling him “Champ”. Sigh. Seriously? Troy Aikman. Muhammad Ali. Rocky Balboa. Those are guys worthy of being called “Champ”. Not some dipshit who ate twelve corny dogs. I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit.

In what other country in the world could you expect to find someone being glorified for over-eating though? Well, besides Italy. America is the fattest nation on earth, and something like 74% of us are obese. And we pride ourselves on it. We love being fat. We cater to it. We super-size everything, especially our guts. And we perpetuate it by having contests to see who can eat the most hot dogs. And that little Chinese guy wins every year. 72 hot dogs? Seriously? If you stack them all up on a plate, then smush them down to a goopy goop and make a big ball out of it, imagine someone’s stomach being that large. And we think it’s great entertainment.

I lost a little faith in humani– -wait. No I didn’t. I’ve run out of that a long time ago. We’re in the negatives here. Next time I see a white man run from a burning house with three black children under his arms… Next time I see an old woman fall from a tree trying to save a nest of baby kittens… Next time I see a woman show her boobs at a concert… My faith in humanity will start to rise again. Of course, since I’m in the negative, it needs to happen a few times before I even get back to zero level. Oh, God bless America.