Happy Friday Morning, Brewists. Today is not only the last Friday of the month, it’s also Arbor Day. And my sources are also telling me that it happens to be National Oatmeal Cookie Day. I hope it’s a good day for all of you. For me, it’s one of those mixed emotion days. For today, as you’re sitting here reading this, I am in the hospital by my wife’s bedside as she undergoes surgery. She’s having her bladder replaced by a whoopie cushion (so she can hold more pee) and she’s finally having a computer chip put in like the one I got. That way we can text each other, keep track of where we are in the supermarket (what’s so super about the market, anyway, amirite?) and various other important tasks so many of you take for granted. But yes, she’s getting some new stuff put in and some maintenance done on her CPU, so keep her in your prayers.
In other news, it is indeed April 30. The Last Day of April. How many of you just had to touch your knuckles to verify that? I sure did. Thank God our knuckles were made like they are so they line up with the months. But being April 30, you know what that means. It means it’s time to start getting all of our stuff together to get ready to file our taxes. Because tax day is coming up soon. Now we’ve discussed several holidays here on the Brew here lately. Trash Day Eve, Camping Day, National Period Awareness Week, International 14″ Monitor Appreciation Day, etc. You remember them. But notice I did not capitalize tax day. Number 1, it is NOT a holiday. And B, the IRS is the only group who celebrates it. The rest of us hate it. (The IRS, not tax day.)
So as the last day of the month, and as a helpful reminder to get you ready for tax season, I thought I’d throw together a quick list of tips from a pro taxpayer to help you ease into your ten forties. I know that many of you might not have paid taxes before (eh? haha! Hi Five!) but eventually, everyone gets caught, and you have to start paying. So here are a few helpful things to make sure you don’t give them too much money.
Firstly, in the famous words of Al Capone, “Claim Everything.” I recommend claiming five or six children – regardless of if you have any or not. They never check that stuff. I think you get like 600 bucks for every kid you have. So if it comes up where you owe 500 bucks, just add another kid on there and claim it. You’ll end up netting a hundred bucks. See how that works? Like last year, I needed a few hundred bucks for this thing I had coming up, and I wasn’t making much at the Geek Squad. So I claimed forty-four children. I owed like five hundred bucks, so they had to send me a check for like twenty-six grand. Yeah. Good stuff. And they don’t really care either, just as long as you don’t like take advantage of it or anything. You know. Occasionally doing something like that is okay. The thing is – and here’s how we smart guys avoid getting caught – you have to back down slowly from that many kids. You can’t just claim 44 one year and 1 the next. They’ll ask what happened to all your kids. See? Yeah. But it’s okay if you lose a few of them a year. Just kind of ween yourself down back into a normal range. In like fifteen years or so, I can start claiming three or four again. Pretty simple. You just have to think a little, you know?
Another good trick is to claim a bunch of charitable donations. You can say you gave away up to like 500 dollars’ worth of clothing every year, without a receipt. Well, duh! Of course you did! Ha! Why wouldn’t you have! Every year I give away $500 worth of clothing, I give around fifty grand to church, and I hand out a bunch of change to the firemen who stand out there with their big rubber boots. All in all, that saves me a few grand every year in taxes. A good way to make them laugh is at the end of the thing when they ask you if you donated anything, say, “Yeah I donated a bunch of money to the IRS!!” and they usually laugh and knock off a few more bucks. They really are good people, and most of them have senses of humor. You just have to get one of the good ones, when he’s having a good day. That’s another good reason to wait until all the high-stress and hubbub has died down after the official taxday, and pay them a little late. They actually appreciate the consideration when you do that. Plus then since they know you’re more considerate, they usually just sort of breeze over the forms and accept whatever you put. Like one year I claimed that I had given away four condos worth about two mil apiece, just sort of as a joke. Well they liked it and they let it slide. So I got a tax refund big enough to go buy me a condo worth about two mil.
The final tip, and this one is highly secret – as in, don’t share it because if they start seeing everyone do it, they’ll stop honoring it. On the line where it asks you how much you made for the year, and again, this is very important… Leave off a digit. Seriously. If you make five digits a year like I do, like last year I made 21424. Okay? Five digits. That’s over twenty-one thousand bucks, ladies. But leave off a one in there. Write it in the box as 2424. Okay? See where I’m going here? That way they think you only made two thousand bucks, and not twenty thousand. See what I mean? Yeah. It’s a big deal. And when they ask you about it – if they even do, which they never do because they have no way to know… – you just say, “Oh, did I leave a digit out? Oh shit, my bad. I’m sorry.” And they’re cool with it because it was an honest mistake. You’ll be sure to get a couple more grand back with this little gem.
So there you have it. This week you’ve learned how to prepare for Trash Day, you’ve learned how to prepare for Camping Trips, and you’ve learned how to prepare for Tax Day. And when you do it right, the SpaceWay, you’ll want to start capitalizing it.