The Men The Women Can’t Avoid

I’ve often found myself considering the stars, the planets, space and the harmonic oscillation produced by a pair of bouncing breasts. I also spend a lot of time in thought about beers, breasts, buddies… So we’ve established that I’m a very considerate and thoughtful person. But am I a nice guy?

Most women I’ve dated in the past have said they thought I was an asshole when they first met me. I will admit that I’m very forward, I speak my mind, and I don’t really pull any punches. I sort of always just tell it like it is. If there’s something I don’t like about you (well, that actually involves me in some respect), I will let you know about it. If you don’t like it, I guess you’ll think I’m an asshole. I don’t deny that. Some people just don’t like my forwardity. (You like that noun?) And that’s fine. I’m not for everyone. But women are (at least in my experience) attracted to it.

The women who have approached me historically think I’m blowing them off. I just don’t get real excitable and start acting like I’m really interested. Whether I am or not is maybe a different story. I just don’t show excitement when you show me your boobs; I don’t look crestfallen when you shoot me down; I don’t follow you around all night if you’re playing hard to get. I just sort of let things happen, and if they don’t happen, I just move along. There are plenty of ants in the colony.

So for the last fifteen years or so, I’ve had to deal with this image (possibly mistaken) that women have of me being an asshole. I’ve run into women with whom I used to have relationships, some five or ten years after it was over, and they sit down and talk to me and say, “Wow, I always thought you were an arrogant jerkbag.” And I’m like, “What, you don’t now?” And they say no. Well, I haven’t really changed. So have you just grown more perceptive? Opened your eyes? Because here’s the deal, ladies: bottom line, I’m not an asshole at all. I’m just a smart ass. Any chance I get to be cocky, facetious, sarcastic or just plain contrary, I will be. I take every pitch thrown at me. And I’m not arrogant. I am NOT too good for the low-hanging fruit! You give me an easy one, I’ll knock it out of the park. The only difference is that I don’t take the obvious joke. I put a little effort into it at least.

And let me be clear about something else. I’ve never hit a woman. Well, unless you count that time I hit one with a moving van. She was in the middle of the road, and I was busy eating a Super Sonic cheeseburger. Give me a break. With jalapenos! Clearly, she had it coming. But I don’t push, shove, slap, punch, kick, smack or otherwise physically assault women as a general rule. Now if my red-haired wife got the idea she was going to beat me with my SpaceBat, I’d have to take her down easy so no one would get injured. But that’s different. So when women refer to me as an “asshole” they’re not saying a “battering asshole”. That ain’t me.

But that’s what they like. Women like men who can (and will) beat them up occasionally. Why is this? Is it that they like someone who keeps them on their toes and at any moment they could be beaten because of their differing opinion? Well, clearly, women shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions on things that matter anyway. But if you’re a nice guy and you love one, you can pretend.

I don’t usually joke around about this a lot, because I’ve been friends with a woman who was battered by her boyfriend, and it upset me quite a little bit. But there’s still a part of me that can’t get over why women do this, and that part just wants to throw up his hands and say, “Seriously? If you’re too stupid to walk away, maybe you deserve what you get.”

A third type women cannot seem to get enough of is a man with money. You can look like Bill Gates, and as long as you have as much money as – well, as someone rich (I can’t think of anyone right now) – then you can land you some broads. Any of you out there who actually believed Anna Nicole Smith really loved that old dude for his personality and the great sex they had are basically admitting that you think she’s a great actor. Because that’s what it was. An act. And if you fell for it, guess what. You probably also like Justin Bieber. Ooh, did you hear his mom might be showing up in Playboy? YES! Wait. What? Why in the great nuts of the skunk would anyone give a shit about his mom? The only people who like him are little fourteen-year-old schoolgirls. Dudes don’t like him. Trust me, lady. No one wants to see you in Playboy. Just move along.

So we’ve discovered that women like the oddest things in men. They like assholes, they like batterers, they like money… Well, I guess that one’s pretty obvious. But what about the ones who like intellect? Like, say, someone who writes on a weblog every day? What’s up, ladies.

Anyway, if you know why women like these weird qualities in their men, post them in the comments section below. I’d like to hear your theories.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. Becky Riles

    I think I have to disagree with part of that Space. I like nice guys. But I also don’t really believe your an a**hole either. :)

  2. I was thinking that I don’t like any of that, well, except for intellect…intellect is hot. Then I remembered…duh, I’m a chick! Women like that crap because women love drama…oh, and they’re effed up!

  3. Siege

    Chicks dig the confidence. Like “Don’t worry baby, I’ll manfight this alligator” even if you would be wrecked by the gator. Bonus points if you win and eat the gator.

  4. Space


    If you don’t know, Jeremy, then be thankful, and work every day as hard as you can to make sure it stays that way. Because that’s some shit you simply cannot ‘unhear’.

  5. Catina

    I have no idea what you are talking about. I have known you for like 11 years now (holyshitreally???) and i never once thought you were an asshole…

    as for why some chicks like that stuff… beats the shit outta me (har har har) no but seriously. If I meet a chick like this I try to help her. If she doesnt want help I try to distance myself from her cause she will just bring you down with her. the whole misery love company thing, yanno.

  6. Space

    Catina said this shit:
    I have known you for like 11 years now…

    Yeah, but we’ve never met. So uh, that was the point. :?

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