I had to open two car doors yesterday. It’s unusual to have to open even just one in a given day. But two? Yes, friends, I’m as serious as a bowl full of mustard-covered lion feces. The crazy thing about opening car doors is that they all open differently. So you have to find the right way to do it. And yesterday, I actually had to get inside the pickup to be able to figure out how to open the back door. Well how about I just tell you what the hell I’m talking about?
My red-haired wife, Two-Step, Protector of the Grapefruits, somehow managed to break the back door of the pickup a few days ago. She said she broke a nail on the handle, because it just snapped back and wouldn’t open. I tried explaining to her, “Honey, the door handles aren’t held on by nails. It’s usually a torx screw or some very small bolts. But never nails.” I know. Isn’t it adorable when women talk about cars and shit? I patted her on the bottom and went outside to figure out what the problem was. I grabbed my toolbox, my iPod (yes I still have the damn iPhone), and one of those big ass 24-ounce cans of Schlitz and climbed into the truck.
Now even though I was only driving it around from the back driveway to the front of the house (where I could park under the shade tree), I did not crack the beer open in the driveway. No, no. I waited ’til I got to the end of the alley. Ain’t no way I’m driving down that shitty potholed alley with an open can of brew! Last time I did that I spilled about a quarter of it swerving to miss some woman walking her cat. I missed the cat, but – you know what? I’ve digressed. Again.
Anyway, I had to like I said, get into the back seat of the truck to work on the door because it wouldn’t open. So I yanked the panels off and found the problem pretty quickly. The spiro-diffuser assembly housing had cracked, so the relastics coil wasn’t engaging because it would overheat. If you click on that picture you’ll see a white loop I made out of nuclear putty mixed with banana grease. That holds the harmonics pipe against the camber loop and out of the way of the spiro-diffuser while the atomic glue dries. I know this all sounds high-tech and you won’t understand it anyway unless you have a Bacon Engineering and Moon Physics degree like me. But just know that I was able to fix it and now the door opens when you pull either handle, outside or inside. So that was awesome.
Then I had to open the second car door of the day on my JupiterJump Cinza 2200. See, when I’m hopping around between clinics fixing time machines and personal computers, I like to listen to music in my SpaceBuggy. Well, the left front speaker keeps going out. Sometimes it will come back on for a minute, but it’s usually always off. So I pulled the panel off my door, which was a lot easier than on the pickup. (I call it a pickup – it’s actually a VenusDune SupaCruza 9000.) And what did I find? Well, once again it’s a bunch of tech jargon you won’t understand, but the hydraflux revaporation fuse had blown. No big deal, I just swung up to Tom’s Shuttle and Pet Food and picked up another one. Then I resoldered the wires back to the speaker because they were old and shitty.
But guess what? Hidden behind the callous, ugly plastic cover of my door, I have Pioneer coaxial speakers! I think they’re the PlutoNeo 6000 Series if I’m not mistaken. But yeah, my shitty little ship has Pioneer speakers in it. That’s why it sounds so damn good. And you know that’s always been my motto on stage, “I might not look good, just as long as I sound good.” Sigh. So anyway, yeah, that made me happy to find. And after replacing that HFR fuse, it works great and sounds even better than ever now. So I’m a happy SpaceCamper. Okay, that was a little gay, I’ll admit. Let’s move on.
I then got under the hood and fixed my windshield wiper sprayer reservoir pump tube. Well, I didn’t fix it. I just switched the front and back tube since the back pump works but the fluid doesn’t make it back there (probably a crushed tube or a bad cockball assembly) and the front pump is just burnt out. Well nobody washes their back windshield anyway, right? So I switched the tubes so now I just actuate the back pump while my front washers are wiping and it sprays like a champ.
It felt good to be so productive and get so much schlit fixed in one evening. Now I just need to get off my ass and finish my SpaceShed, replace my back door, finish the SpacePatio cover, and a whole long list of other ill schlit. By the way though, for those of you wondering about my Pusher and Shover Robots, they are working fine now. I replaced the 75-dollar circuit breaker and now the socket works. My nukerwave still shocks the schlit out of you if you touch the bottom of it, but it’s a nice little jolt to go with your coffee. Helps you wake up.
Stay tuned. Tomorrow, as promised, I will – well, I hope I will – post the Florida Trip Compilation Video.