Good morning, friends, family and – well, good morning to you too, enemies. Welcome to a special edition of Bacon Talk. That’s right, folks, tomorrow is International Bacon Day! But aside from being knee-deep in all that hoopla, I really just have one word to say right now. TREE HOUSES. HELL YES, TREE HOUSES! Sorry. I got a little carried away there. Almost choked on my bacon. See, you know that nostalgic feeling you get in your tummy sometimes when you think of something cool, like opening a pack of Topps baseball cards back in 1984 and pulling out the stick of gum, popping it in your mouth, and then sorting through them to see who you got? Hoping it was a Jim Sundberg or a Bobby Valentine? Yeah. I get that same feeling every time I think of tree houses. Because son of a bitch!
I get so excited thinking about tree houses that it makes me just want to quit my job, go plant some bad ass oaks in my yard, and start construction on one tomorrow. I’m talking like a three-level freakin’ mansion in the trees here, friends. Every time I Google Image search for tree houses, I start squirming in my seat getting excited. I love me some tree houses!
So that’s what we’ve decided to talk about in today’s edition of Bacon Talk. Tree Houses. Do you have one? Did you have one as a kid? What was it like? What would you put in a tree house, were you to build one today? Things like this and more will be covered. I know, that was a lame-ass sentence right there. Just forget it and move on. So sit back on your couch, put your plate of steaming bacon right beside you, grab your piping hot mug of coffee, and Let’s Talk Bacon!
How’s it going today, Haycomet? Ready to talk about some tree houses?

I have bacon, I have coffee, so my day is going great! And abso-freakin-lutely, I’m ready!
I never had a tree house when I was little, but we had tons of trees. Now that I think about it, that was a huge opportunity I missed. I should have picked out a tree, and had my dad build me a secret tree house that my mom and brother would never find. I could have lived there, and it would have been wonderful. Only one story, but inside, it would have been awesome. Just a comfy, quiet, safe place to go after school and on the weekends. No ladder, no stairs, it would have had a secret passage. If I built one today, however, it would be extreme. Did you have a tree house when you were a kid, Space?

Well I built a couple. They were pretty lame. Like two boards you had to balance on. But I did have a fort in the backyard. The difference, of course, being the trees. I much prefer the tree house over the fort. I am interested in this secret passage you mentioned though, Hay. You said no ladder or stairs. So even if it is a secret passage, how the hell would you get up into it?

I originally thought that I would hollow the trunk out, and make a dumbwaiter that would go up the trunk and enter through the floor of the tree house. On second thought though, I wouldn’t want to kill the tree, so I would have a pulley system rigged, that I could have dropped from the underside of the tree house, at the push of a hidden button or lever. Just a tiny little Boatswain’s chair that I sit on and yank myself up into the tree house through a hatch in the floor.
Okay Space, you win the lottery tomorrow, so money is no biggie. Do you have a tree in mind? On what part of the tree house would you spend the most money?

No. All my trees are pretty lame. They were planted between the sidewalk and the street. You know, that little strip of common area in front of these old houses? And the trees have outgrown the common space, so their roots have nowhere else to go. They’re dropping branches like – well, like um… Branches are falling off of them constantly. So to answer your second question, let me refer back to the first.
Money is not an object, so I will buy a big ass chunk of land with a great big perfect tree on it. Okay? Then, I will spend money on the tree house itself. I don’t know that I would spend more money on any particular part than the general construction itself. I would just go all the hell out with some solid ass construction. I would use all weather-treated lumber (you know, the green stuff) and lag bolts. I would also design an awesome expansion system, and get it patented. This would be called a SpaceRing™, and its primary function would be to expand as the tree grows. I think I might actually go home tonight and get my pencil out. I’d like to start working on this right away. So yeah. Floor, rails, walls and stairs would be where I spent the most money. The tree house itself. The bar, beer fridge, LED TV and pool table would all be nice and expensive too. But not near as much as the lumber for the construction of the entire thing. This inset image, by the way, is one I found on the forums I surfed a long time ago, and really liked it. I always smile and nod when I see it, because it so perfectly describes that one section of my brain.
What would be some bad assery that you would incorporate into your tree house? Trap doors? Elevators? Bridges to neighboring tree houses? Lookout towers? Son of a bitch, I’m getting excited.

Gee Space, I know you don’t have any tree house-worthy trees in your yard… Duh! I meant, did you ever see an amazing tree when you were growing up, and say wow, I would love to build a tree house in that big gorgeous tree!
Moving on with your question. I wouldn’t want to go too high-tech with my tree house. That’s how I feel about camping too. I don’t see the point in trying to make the outdoors be exactly like the indoors. I would want the main necessities in my tree house, like heat and air conditioning, a comfy bed, and a small kitchen and bathroom, but even that is pushing it a little. A screened-in porch and an open porch would be cool. I would hang hammocks on the porches and one in the branches over the roof. I would want skylights and a few of those Love Sac chairs here and there. Oh, and even though you told me this was a pointless idea, Space, I would still want a telescope on the porch. The leaves wouldn’t completely block my view.
There would be booby traps all over the land near my SCTH (Super Cool Tree House). Before you get too excited, Space, I don’t mean I’m going to hire double-D-cup-sized Amazon women to protect my tree house. My security system would be straight out of Goonies and Raiders of the Lost Ark. There would be little “hidey holes” in the trees where weapons and “treasure” would be stored. I like the idea of a lookout tower, or maybe even something as simple as a crow’s nest. The outside of my tree house would look whimsical and inviting, and be made of all unpainted wood and natural materials.
This luxurious building you have for us right now is great, but if I ever get to build my dream tree house, we’re moving Bacon Talk there. I’m just sayin. No offense.
Space, I know your mind is racing right now, what do you want to add about tree houses?

Well, first of all – of course I saw good candidate trees when I was growing up. Hell, I still see them all the time. I’ll be all driving down the road, and suddenly swing my arm over, pointing at a bad ass tree, and hit my red-haired wife in the face with my arm, saying, “DUDE, that would make a killer place for a TH!” And yes, I say, tea aych. I spell it out ’cause I’m dope like that.
Well I don’t think I would want to go too high-tech either. I mean, I don’t think it’s asking too much to put a bar and a fridge in there. And a poker table. And a stereo system. And perhaps a computer desk with a couple of laptops, a gigabit switch, a network-attached storage device and a satellite internet connection. You know, in case you wanna just chill up there and surf the web or something. See, I don’t mind it being kind of like my house. Just a smaller, scaled-down version, up in the trees. Because, dude, seriously? You’re up in the trees! How bad ass would that be?
Well, maybe we’ve beaten this topic to death already. I don’t know. I just love thinking about tree houses. But I think my booby traps would be those double-D kind you were talking about. Have Jessica Simpson and Tiffany and Christy Canyon and all those hot porn stars just hanging out guarding the fort for me. Yeah, on second thought, no I’d rather have them up in the fort with me, so they wouldn’t really serve much defensive purpose. So yeah, never mind. So, anything else you want to say?

Hmmm. Yeah. Wow, I’ll let the boob fascination thing slide, because yeah, they’re awesome, but the whole Jessica Simpson obsession is getting ridiculous. I think you need help, Space.
Anyway… I think we should pool our tree house plans together and make it a point to build a joint-venture tree house by the time we are fifty. Well, by the time YOU are fifty. That way it will happen sooner than later. Does that sound like a great plan or what?

I’m just going to go ahead and quaff the rest of my coffee, and snag one more piece of bacon. This conversation is over.