Wow, Space! It’s my favorite time of the week already! I thought I would change things up a little this beautiful Friday morning, so I brought maple bacon. Did you bring the gallon carafe of coffee? Mmmm, you sure did! So we’re all set. Sometimes, Space, I eat something that is so delicious, I have to do a little happy dance. Much like this maple bacon is going to make me do right now.
This gives me a great idea, Space! Let’s talk about dancing. I love to dance. In general, I’m shy about doing physical activity in public, because I’m tall, lanky, and not always as coordinated as I would like. Now if you put me on a crowded dance floor and blast some 80s music, I’ll dance. My husband says I dance like there is a pole in front of me. Of course, due to that description, he says his favorite dance move is “the pole”. Yeah, he just stands there, but it works for him.
Space, do you like to dance?
Wait, hang on, Hay – before I answer your question. I’m still waiting to hear this great idea you mentioned! Yes, Haycomet, I do like to dance. I’m actually quite good at it. Well, actually, no I’m really not. I mean I can get out on a dance floor and shake around and stuff. And since I don’t embarrass easily, I guess I make it look fun enough to where people aren’t bothered by it. But I don’t think you can really call that dancing. I am not, however, opposed to throwing my hands in the air. I have even occasionally been caught waving them around like I just don’t care.
But yes, I like to dance. Do you like to dance with Byronic, or by yourself mostly?
When it comes to dancing with my husband, things don’t work out very well. First of all, I’m four inches taller even when I’m not wearing shoes. So when we go out, I’m 6-7 inches taller in my heels. Plus he doesn’t really lead the dance, so I try to, and that just frustrates him. We end up looking ridiculous.
Now Space, I’ve seen your wife out on the dance floor with me, so I know she dances, but do the two of you ever dance together?
Yeah, we do occasionally. But see, she – like you – is shy and prone to laughing a bunch, then sitting down. Now if I can get her good and drunk, she’ll dance so hot that most of the guys in the place just stop dancing and stand there staring at her. She doesn’t do this “pole dance” you speak of, but – well, she just sort of rubs all over me. Which I like.
Have you ever entered any dance contests? Danced with a group of chicks? Done any – never mind. Let’s just stick with those two questions.
I “won” a totally lame dance contest at work when I did collections. Things got so stressful, that we took a week where we would get off of the phones at 3pm and dance for a few minutes… it was supposed to relieve stress. So we’re dancing and someone asks who the winners are, and people shout out names. My manager knew I didn’t like her, so I think she called out my name to be nice. A certificate was printed in color and handed to me. I think my name was spelled incorrectly on it. So that sucked.
When I go to concerts I do like to dance with my chick friends. If they won’t dance with me, it’s no big deal. It just means I’ll be dancing with myself. We all know that there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove, so yeah, I’ll be dancing with myself.
There was a time though, that the guitarist of my favorite cover band gave me a great compliment. I had been dancing in a crowd of women on the dance floor and also on stage. Between songs he came up to me and said I was amazing and that I reminded him of the hot chicks that dance in 80s videos. That was better than any cheesy award.
Space, did your sweet dance moves ever win you anything?
Actually, yes. I won the break dancing competition in third grade. I was the best one in the school. I think I got a ribbon or some shit. There exists a set of pictures of me backspinning and doing all other ill types of shit on the flo. And yes, ladies. I did, in fact, wear parachute pants. And you know what, Haycomet? I would still wear them today if I had some.
Right on, Space! I still wear stuff from back then and I am not ashamed. One thing you might not expect from me though, Space, is that I love, wait, let me capitalize that. I LOVE ballroom dancing. I took a couple free lessons in high school with my honor society group (I can’t decide if that sounds nerdy or sad). I was the odd person out, so the instructor was my partner (Now THAT’S sad!). That is when I learned that when a guy knows how to lead, it is fun to dance, and I looked like I knew what I was doing. I watch ballroom dancing, I take free classes when I can, but I haven’t found a person who is willing to be my dance partner. Do you have a favorite type of dancing? Have you ever watched ballroom dancing? If so, what do you think about it?
Watched it? Like sitting there watching ballroom dancing on television? No, Haycomet, I guess I never have. I’m sure I’d get pretty bored with it pretty quickly. Now I’ve seen it done at – well, in ballrooms. And I think it’s pretty cool. But I absolutely refuse to watch that So you think you can dance? shit on television. Or Dancing In The Stars. What a horrible idea for a television program.
I guess I wouldn’t mind taking dance lessons and being the dude who can do it. It’s really kind of useless though if your partner doesn’t learn too. Because you’ll get that chance of a lifetime, the floor opens, and thousands of people are there ready for you to make your move – but your partner didn’t take the lessons. So you end up just standing there wishing you had a partner who could do it.
Think how cool it would be if you were in a situation like that, maybe at someone’s funeral or something, and they started dancing – and you were able to dance like that? You’d get all the attention. Like Patrick Swayze in dirty dancing after he delivers his famous line, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”
I love that movie! I wanted to be Frances so badly! That movie makes me want to dance. Of course, there are songs that I cannot resist also. When I hear Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me I have to get up and dance. Are there any songs that make you want to dance?
Cameo’s Word Up! does it for me. Most of Michael Jackson’s fast stuff, and Milli Vanilli’s Girl You Know It’s True make me want to dance too. Hell, I’ll dance to anything though. I’ve been known to turn on the iPod at my Pop’s house and just start dancing on the living room floor. Dancing is one of those things that just frees the mind and body and when you really let go, just gets rid of all kinds of stress. Wait. Did I just say that shit out loud? That was pretty gay.
It was, but that’s okay, Space, we love you anyway. Okay, so I think we’ve danced around this subject enough. I could shuffle through these note cards again, but I’m all tapped out of questions to ask. Let’s slide on out of here and get some more bacon, and maybe some chips and salsa. Yeah, that was a stretch, but that’s no reason to be running, man. Okay, Space, stop me. I can’t help myself!
All righty. I guess after all, I am glad you wanted to talk about dancing. I never would have brought it up myself. Maybe we can all swing out to a dance club sometime and just let loose. Instead of just being square. Oh, heck, look at the time! I gotta boogie!