Hey, Space! It’s a beautiful cool crisp day. I brought the pumpkin pie flavored coffee, and I see you have brought my favorite meat candy. Uh, I better clarify- I’m talking about your giant sack of bacon.

I love Autumn. The leaves are changing, it gets darker earlier, the air has a slight chill, and Halloween has just passed. That gives me a great idea for today’s topic… friends!

What? Don’t look at me like that, Space! I may not always make sense, but I think that is one of the things you like about me. You accept me and my quirkinesses and I accept the fact that you get the overwhelming urge to correct my grammar.

Wait. What? What are you talking about my overwhelming urge to correct you? It’s not overwhelming. I’m just helping a sista out. The only thing overwhelming is your urge to misuse it. But yeah. That’s what friends are for. What’s that old saying? Friends let you speak. True friends correct your grammar.
How did we meet? I don’t remember. Weren’t we at Bill’s house or something? Best I can recall I met you there. I have no idea how we became friends though. Just kidding. It just made sense. I’ve known Byronic since high school. With a period of about fifteen years in the middle there where I never saw him, of course… But we got back in touch that night at that party. He married a broad, of course, I’m gonna be friends with her too.

Yeah, we met at Bill’s, but even if I wasn’t the “broad” Byronic married, you and I would be friends anyway. That is, if we still ended up meeting. I don’t know if I would have met you if it weren’t for Byronic, because I would probably still be in Delaware, and I doubt you would have ever had any reason to go to Delaware. Well, maybe if you had the extreme need to smell chicken houses and cow manure.
When you were growing up, did you have a ton of friends or just a select few?

That’s a fine question. I had a bunch of people I called friends. But I had only a few true friends. Does that make cents? See, everyone has a ton of friends, but in real life how many of those friends hang out with you on your patio? That’s the question by which I assess the value of a friendship. If they don’t hang with me on my patio and drink beers, then they’re probably more of an acquaintance than a friend.

Ahhh, I see. I refrain from drinking beer now, because I’m allergic to most kinds. I assume that any adult beverage counts, as long as it is consumed on your patio. So yay, I’m not just an acquaintance!
I understand what you are saying about friends versus acquaintances. I have a small group of “would trust them with my life” friends. I also have more guy friends that female friends. In most cases there is less drama with male friends. I relate to them better as well. Weird, I know, but true.
A great sense of humor is one major trait my friends have; I also look for honesty, and trustworthiness. What traits do you look for in a friend?

Nice breasts, a firm buttocks, a – wait. No, oh, yeah, for friends. Yeah, well, you know, the usual. Honesty is number one for me though. If you lie to me, you won’t get very far. What’s that old saying? I can smell a lie like a fart in a car.
Other than honesty, as long as we have enough in common to keep each other entertained then I don’t really worry about too much. Respect is something earned. So I don’t necessarily look for it in people. It comes with time. I have found, however, comma, that my best friends are all prior military. They are the ones who understand me the most, and who have a natural predilection for honor and respect.
I also have to throw in there that you should marry your best friend. Or wait – better said, you should become best friends with the one you marry.
So how much does it bother you when you see people who have 432 Facebook friends? You know damn well they aren’t friends with that many people. These are either acquaintances (at best) or people they have seen on the street. E-friends. See, I prune my Facebook friends list every few months and remove people with whom I don’t really communicate in real life. If I know who you are, but we never talk, meh, there’s no point in being your “friend”.
How many Facebook friends do you have, Comet?

Aww, you called me Comet. Only my closest friends call me “Comet”. Actually, you are the only one who has called me that.
I guess it doesn’t bother me to see people have tons of FB friends. It’s not like those networking sites give you a choice. If you want to keep in touch with someone, you have to mark them as a friend. I have 176 friends on Facebook. When I checked last week, however, I had 180. I wonder who deleted me; that seems somewhat rude. Space, you didn’t “prune” me did you?
When it comes to friend requests on FB, I don’t like to turn down any of them. It seems like a mean thing to do. It does make me laugh a little when the people who used to ignore me or bully me now want to be my Facebook friend. I just think, “Who am I to judge, maybe he/she has changed.” and I add them.
Do you remember your very first friend in school and do you still keep in touch?

Yeah. Well, actually we met long before we ever saw a classroom. His name is Aaron, and yeah, we’re still pretty close. We see each other a couple of times a year and keep in touch by phone quite a bit. That’s how you know when you have a true friend: when you don’t have to hang out with him every weekend, and bring a small gift when you see him because you’ve neglected him for so long.

That’s awesome! I remember mine, her name was Jennifer. Unfortunately, we have lost contact, but I will never forget her. She was always smiling and very upbeat. I miss that.
Space, if you had the chance to reunite with any friend from your past, who would it be, and why?

Yeah, there are a couple of them. And I assume you’re only talking about the ones who are still alive. A dude named Jeremy from school, because he was a crunk mother cobbler. And another guy named Chris who was my roommate in the service. He was a crunk mother cobbler too, but he was the one who let me drive his Jeep for six months. A man who lets you drive his Jeep is a true friend indeed.
You know who’s one of my best friends now though? My Pop. He’s a crunk mother cobbler. Our favorite pastimes are:

• Sitting out on the driveway:
• drinking beer
• washing or waxing a car
• smoking ribs or brisket
• staring at a fresh car
• just bull-schlitting
• Sitting out on the deck:
• drinking beer
• watching the kids and girls swim
• smoking a nice cigar
• just bull-schlitting
• hanging out inside watching a game
• shooting some pool on his billiard
• drinking beer and just bull-schlitting

So as you can see, we have a lot in common. Most of my other friends enjoy some of those activities too, but my dad and I have a closeness one can’t really match. We can literally talk about anything. We’ve often times talked of our manly conquests, traded old war stories and – well, just sometimes even talked about harmonic oscillation. You know, the physics of moving breasts. What do you and your best friend enjoy doing, Comet?

I know you said one should marry his/her best friend, and I did, but I can’t write about what he and I enjoy doing. This is a family-friendly site after all.
So I will say that my best friend (besides my husband) and I write on a blog-site together. You should read it sometime, Space, I think you would like it a lot. I enjoy writing with him, and reading his articles. I love joking around with him and listening to him sing and play the guitar. He is an amazing writer, and has a sense of humor I thought I would only find if I were cloned (personality intact of course). In fact, we are so much alike, if I went shirtless most of the time, wore huge sunglasses, and corrected everyone’s grammar, I’m not sure if anyone could tell us apart. Okay, I’ll admit I do one of those three. No, Space, not the shirtless part! Oh, my best friend and I also pick on each other almost incessantly. It’s how we show that we care. On that note, stop staring at my boobs, put on your shirt, and answer one more question. Which one of these statements do you follow and why?

• “Bros before hoes.”
• “Hoes before bros.”
• “Chicks before sticks.”

I’m blushing. Wait. No I’m not. Dudes don’t do that, do they? Well thanks for all those fantastic compliments, Haycomet. I know I’m great, but it’s nice to see it coming from someone else occasionally. I kid, I kid. You’re great too. And if you’d just get the hell over your hangup with wearing a shirt all the time, we could be even better friends!
Which of those statements do I follow? Dude, seriously? Who the hell ever says hoes before bros? Has any man ever put a ho before his bros? And why the hell hasn’t he been shot? Oh, and the “chicks before sticks” one… Come on, Comet. I know you just made that shit up. It was cute, but I don’t think anyone has ever said that. Ever. Come on. Fess up.
Well if I have to choose a mantra, allow me creative license to make up my own then. How about this one: friends before ends. That way it’s not gender-specific. (I don’t know what ends is either, but it rhymes, so we’ll go with it.)
Anything else you want to say about friends, Ms Comet?

Yes, I just want to emphasize how important it is to keep in touch with friends and let them know how important they are. I know I don’t do that as much as I should. I’m not the mushy type, but my friends probably know that. It’s no excuse though, so whether you are mushy or not, I want all of you to grab your phone and call or text a friend right now. Tell them you love them or tell them a joke, just tell them something. Space, I’m not going to call you, so stop holding your breath, but I will do this…*Tackles Space and gives him a noogie*