Why do hot women like this always end up with nerds and losers? I mean, I’m a nerd. I know how to fix computers and I read a lot of books. But I don’t look like one, you know? At least I think I don’t. But I’m certainly not a loser! But seriously, I saw this chick the other day and she was hotter than a jalapeno on fire in Texas on the sidewalk in August. Or something. And the dude she was with was a short, oddly lumpy, frog-faced dude who looked like he never showered. What in The Elephant’s name is that shit all about?
One of my best friends is knockdown drag-out gorgeous. She has the body of a – well, a great body, and has a good head on her shoulders. And she told me one time that most guys are too intimidated to ask her out. So she is single most of the time. Then here comes compuboy who has nothing to lose, so he starts asking at the top. And guess what? Bada Bing, Bada Boom. He gets himself a hot chica. At some point in their lonely single lives they say to themselves, “I’m going out with the very next guy who asks me.” So there you have it, fellas. Start asking out all the hot chicks. One of them is bound to say yes sooner or later.
That was, in fact, how it worked for me when I went to dances in middle school and early high school. I would start out by asking the hottest girl on the floor to dance with me, and work my way down. I never made it very far down the list. I was always with one of the hottest girls in the school because everyone else was afraid to dance. And too scared to ask her. Hell, I had no idea how to dance. I have no natural dance in me at all. I just wanted to rub up against them and smell their necks. You know?
I wonder if that means I was the loser back then. The hottest girl in the school dancing with me… Okay, maybe I should rethink my column and then either rewrite it or gracefully delete it and act like it never happened. I’ll get back to you on this one.