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Hot women don’t wait in line.

Attitude is everything. I don’t care how good looking you are, or what kind of clothes you wear, or what kind of car you drive. Attitude is everything. I would sooner take the hand of the lady wearing poor clothes and driving the hatchback Honda then the bitch wearing the Versace dress driving the Porsche. Well, depending on who has the better tits, of course. But that’s beside the point. We’re not talking physical here. It’s about character.

I saw this woman at the store the other night. I was picking up a loaf of bread and some leche. Thumbing through a magazine while I waited in the checkout line, this chick started talking to me. She was right in front of me. She had a very pleasant smile and glasses, she was humble and kind, and all in all, very attractive. And her voice was friendly and full of care. It was pretty cool, I instantly liked her. She asked what I thought about something in the magazine. I talked to her for probably fifteen minutes. The line gets really long at Wal-Mart Supercenter the day before Independence day. It was incredibly slow.

But anyway, it was nice having a cute girl to talk to rather than the usual old Mexican man I’m next to at Wal Mart. Nothing against Mexican men, but old ones? Not so much. So moving on, this other woman gets in line at the back, and has this cell phone attached to her head. She’s wearing some real expensive-ass looking skirt, and she has her shades on and shit. Not a big deal, but you could just tell she was “better than everyone else” in the store, and was above waiting in line like the rest of us. She kept looking around all impatiently and stuff, looking at other people’s baskets. Then – get this shit – she moved her way up the line person by person, by saying, “excuse me, but I only have one item. Do you think I could move ahead?” She was in a hurry. Heh. None of the rest of us were.

But all these dudes behind me were anxious to let her in front of them because she was ‘fine’ and shit. They wanted to stare at her tiny ass in that skirt, and were willing to let her cut in front of them, thus pervading her air throughout the crowd in concert with her pride. They each became her inferior as they allowed her their position. There were like eight people behind me, and Sean (that’s my new friend’s name) and I just watched her step her way all the way up the line. Until she got to me. I waited patiently, occasionally turning around and checking out the people behind me. And finally, between sentences in her cellular conversation, she popped the question. “Excuse me, would you mind if I moved ahead of you? I’m kind of in a hurry.”

“I’m sorry, but I think not.” She gave me a go to hell look unparalleled. I could tell she was steaming. Furthermore she was in shock that someone would actually stand firm against her. All these other spineless fools were willing to be her stepping stones. You all know me though, I am one impatient son of a bitch anyway. I wait for no one. She acted like she hadn’t heard me. “Come again?” she said. So I replied, “I said I’m sorry, but no. I think my time is every bit as important as yours.” She was about to explode. Some limy little lowlife punk kid wearing sandals and shorts with a t-shirt that read Show Me Them Titties was going to talk to her like that? She drives a BMW for God’s sake! She must be more important than him!

So I turned around and continued talking to Sean. This woman told the person on the phone that “some asshole kid won’t let me by him, so [she]’ll be later than expected.” I finally could stand no more. I said loud enough for the person on the other end of the phone to hear, “Yeah sorry, I won’t cower against your arrogance, woman.”

She said something incoherent, but to the effect of me going and doing something to myself, then turned around and walked the hell out of the store! I shook my head. She set her one item on the candy bars and bolted. What a selfish bitch. Sean and I were secretly hoping to see her in the parking lot, unable to start her car or something. I was gonna say, “You can have my place now. I don’t want it anymore.”

As it turned out, the long wait was good for humanity, because I got Sean’s number and have talked to her about maybe coming to write for the site. And you guys get to see how witty and sharp she is. See, good things happen to small people. Wait. What?