I got the opportunity to attend a new release movie expo the other day with Kimbre, who is an exec at a company that handles the accounting for Blockbuster. I had to of course dress up, which I’m not terribly fond of these days, but I threw a shirt and tie on the iron board and ended up enjoying myself quite a bit. I didn’t know what to expect, having never been to one of these expos, but there were a lot celebrities there. I thought that was pretty cool, and realized this was probably a little bit bigger deal than I had originally thought. I saw Willem Dafoe and Carl Weathers, Colin Firth and Julia Stiles. Probably the biggest star there was Will Smith. That was pretty nifty – though I didn’t get to talk to him or anything. But the one thing that made this event really worth going to was the little run-in I had with a C-List celebrity. Actually, if it weren’t for her fisting videos on the Internet, I doubt anyone would ever have heard of her.
I am, of course, speaking of no one other than Aria Giovanni. I ran into Aria Giovanni. No, really. I ran into her. It might have appeared that I actually tackled her.
I had wandered off to check out the promotional displays and whatnot. You know you can get some real cool free shit at these places. I picked up several keychain laser pointers and one of those gyroscope things (man that kills your wrist). I was standing there looking at all the stickers and pens and various other crap when I heard Kimbre calling for me to come meet one of her associates. So I turned, and still looking back at the display, started walking back to the front. I plowed right into someone’s shoulder, and as she reached up instinctively grasping for something, she grabbed my arm. I in turn grabbed her arm to keep her from falling, but was leaning too far forward, and she had gone too far over her center of balance.
She let out a shrill yelp when she realized I was coming down with her (and probably on top of her) and I let go of her arm and fell free, trying to position my hands so that they wouldn’t land on her, but rather the floor on either side of her. I didn’t have much luck with that, and my right hand landed on the large paper sack she was carrying, crunching whatever was inside it.
I pushed up as quickly as I could to get up off of her, so I’m kind of hanging there suspended, straddling her in an effort not to look like I’m trying to have my way with OMG ARIA GIOVANNI. I thought briefly of telling her how many times I’d wished to be in this very position with her, but considered that it could get ugly real quick if I did. I was a little embarrassed, but she was smiling as she sat up, so the tension eased a bit. It was quite humiliating for her, I’m sure, but then I think she’s used to being in such predicaments somehow.
I got quickly to my feet and helped her up, surprised by how light she actually was. As she got to her feet she kind of did that single hop to straighten herself out and assure everyone she was on her feet – you know what I mean? And of course when someone like her hops, parts of her bounce. And when those parts of women bounce, my eyes are locked on target as if being attracted by tractor beams. And of course when my eyes are looking at those bouncing parts of the female anatomy, their eyes are naturally drawn to mine, therefore catching me in a slightly uncomfortable if not embarrassing situation. Allow me, though, to clarify. This is not embarrassing or uncomfortable for me. I’m not, nor have I ever been, ashamed at being caught looking. I actually usually smile when they catch me, as sort of a thank you for the allowance. But somehow they usually get a little spooked by the incident and either look wild and wide-eyed at me, wondering how I could do such a thing so blatantly, or they roll their eyes and sigh. Aria just grinned real big. And of course, so did I.
I shook her hand, introduced myself. She nodded her head as she pumped my hand, and said, “Nice to meet you, I’m Aria,” smiling entirely too sincerely.
“Yeah, I uh – well, I um, I know who you are,” I said and coughed slightly. “Anyway, sorry about knocking you over like that. I should pay more attention.”
“Yeah, you should,” she said, peering at me with those mysterious grinning eyes.
“Okay, I will.” She then reached into her purse and did the damnedest thing. She wrote her name and number on a piece of scrap paper and gave it to me. WTF? I would scan it and show you, but I’d have to blot out some digits, and you wouldn’t believe it anyway. Just suffice it to say I programmed it into my phone almost immediately. Not that I’ll ever call it, you see. She lives in California, and I’m still married. Or maybe you had forgotten that. But I’m one who thinks it’s cool to have numbers like that in my phone, so if anyone ever finds it and goes through it, they’ll be like “Oh wow he has jessica simpson and paris hilton and aria giovanni in his phone wow”.
“Why don’t you call me sometime and you can take me out to lunch. Then I’ll forgive you,” she said, handing me the number.
“Right on.” Kimbre had wandered over to fetch me by this time and smiled widely at Aria and her friend (Aria’s friend – whom I’d scarcely even noticed up to this point, and now that I think about it I wonder why not because I’m sure she does quite a bit of bouncing herself but I digress) and introduced herself.
“Can you excuse him for just a moment though, I need him to meet someone?” Kimbre said and I just about punched her in the face for pulling me away. I settled instead for getting her to ‘hold on real quick take my picture with her’, and she obliged.
As I walked off with the still very pretty but slightly less bounce-enabled Kinetic, I felt a terrible sadness come over me, like I was missing out on something grand – something famous – something exceptionally rad. It’s that feeling you get when you know all your friends are out painting the town and you’re at home sick with meningitis on a Saturday night. I felt like I was missing something really big by being pulled away like that, like that maybe I would have gotten to go out and party with these girls (all while being very good and faithful of course). They seemed the type who had just enough clout (and damn-sure enough hots) to get me into some cool scenes. Introduce me to some of those A-Listers maybe. But alas, I was being dragged away by a skinny redhead with a tacky purse and a lackluster agenda.
As I looked back, she waved at me with that crooked smile on her face, and I knew I’d never see her again. Well, not in person. I’d in fact be seeing her again that night, as soon as I got home to my cable Internet.
To read about my latest run-in with Aria, click here!