So I was lying there last night, thinking about some awesome things we have, and I came up with what I think might be the most brilliant idea any man has ever had. This column, though, unfortunately needs to be divided into two sections. One is partly a rant, and the other is the brilliant idea. Which one would you like to read first?
Okay, so here’s the genius: you know that memory foam shit that they always tout was developed for NASA? Yeah, they make mattresses out of it. Well I have come up with an alternative use for it, that I think you’ll agree is probably the smartest thing you’ve ever heard in your entire life in the world. You ready for this shit? Okay. Here’s my idea.
So I made you click the read more link. Meh. Okay, well what I’m thinking is that we start making breast implants out of it. I know. Crazy huh? And don’t tell me you knew I was going to say that, because then you might try to claim the idea for yourself. But seriously. Think about it. You know how when you push down with your fingers into it, then pull away, it takes a few seconds for the foam to pop back into its original position? Imagine a breast doing that. You squeeze one and your fingerprints remain for about fifteen to twenty seconds! Wouldn’t that be awesome? And also too, think about this. You squeeze one into the shape of – say, a banana. It would stick up like that for a few seconds before it finally regained its original breast-like shape.
Now, it has some other advantages too that you’re not considering. It would be far lighter than silicone or petroleum-based breast bags. Think of all the sub-advantages that gives you: number one, women can run comfortably without their breasts bouncing all around being heavy. And number two, they wouldn’t start sagging over the years. Even fake clay-based breast bags start sagging after a while because of their weight. They drag the skin down and start causing saggy boobs. Which in and of itself doesn’t really bother me. But I know it bothers some people.
Actually, now that I think about it, they wouldn’t bounce at all, and that’s pretty important to me. Hmmph. I might need to go back to the drawing board here. But I’m on a good track, I think we all can agree that we should all admit. Right? Right guys?
But check this out. I was thinking this the other day. That memory foam is mostly used in mattresses. And they always say it was developed for NASA. Wait. Why? what the hell does NASA need with comfortable mattress material? If they mostly use it in space, isn’t that a waste of good, comfortable memory foam? I know most of you probably don’t know this, but there’s no gravity in space! So why do they need mattress material at all! That’s a lot of memory foam we could be using for fake breasts down here on earth! Okay, let me know what you think about this, friends. You too, enemies.