Bacon Talk: Toilets

A great thing about having a huge group of writers on staff is that Space always has hundreds of articles to choose from daily. I’m just so darn talented, so that’s why he picks at least one of my pieces every week. Okay, seriously though, I almost didn’t get that all typed before I started laughing. Space and I are the two main writers and sometimes we get “blocked” or just plain busy and need to come up with anything at all to fill a day. We don’t want our faithful readers sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, saying, “I need my SpaceBrew, I need my SpaceBrew, I need my SpaceBrew…” So today Space and I have collaborated to write this amazing article- one worthy of a Pulitzer! It’s about toilets. Why not? We can only post so many stories about bacon, any more and Space said he is going to rename the site SpaceBacon. So here we go…

In my household, there are two females and one male. Recently, because of this, my husband and I had a debate about the toilet seat. He said he should be allowed to leave the seat up, I say of course, the seat along with the lid should be put in their down position after every use. My husband answers back, that because he is the minority in the house, he should be allowed to leave the seat up for the chicks to lower when we need to go. My argument is the opposite: since the majority need the seat down, the seat should be left down. I took it one additional step further and said the lid needs to be lowered each and every time. I feel this is fair because it turns the toilet into Switzerland…you know…neutral. I would love to know how Space feels about this though…

Sigh. This is how you engage me? Really? Okay. Well, I’m kind of Switzerland myself on this. I agree with you, Hay, because I have these nice little toilet seat lid covers that I bought from the Target’s. One is a nice denim and the other is this bright velvet velour shit that matches my favorite watch. And I think the lid should be dropped so you can appreciate the ridiculous amount of style and fashion adorning our bathrooms.
On the other hand though, I agree with Byron – but not all the way! I don’t think it should be left up because he’s the minority, or whatever. That makes absolutely no sense. Yes, Hay, you were right there. There’s more women in the house, that means (simple math) that 66% of the dumps and pisses taken will be taken by a woman. So yeah, it should be left down. But I agree with him that it should be left up after he uses it because here’s why: because he just used it.
When you and LittleStar use it, leave the damn thing down. Or close the lid. Or take pictures of it for Facebook. Whatever the hell you want. And when he uses it, he can leave it up. So really, my answer is simple: the women will sometimes have to lower it, the man will sometimes have to raise it, and sometimes, just sometimes, it will be in the right position already. But I don’t think there should be a law governing its position after someone uses it. What happens when that person is done has nothing to do with the act the person just committed! The universe splits right there, and life carries on!
Now. To something more important. What do you think about public toilets?

Wow, this is such a great conversation. :rolleyes: Well Space, I have mixed feelings about public toilets. The toilet itself I like; I only use the ones in public when absolutely necessary…like there is no holding it, and no time to go home. So I am thankful for them, because they’re there when I am in need. The public part is what I can’t stand. Not because it lacks the privacy of my own home, but merely because other people use it. And other people, despite what I have wanted to believe my whole life, are rude and disgusting.
I was at a public restroom one time, and the woman in the stall next to me was having a blow-out, did not understand the meaning of the term “courtesy-flush”, and to top it off, she horked up a nasty loogie and spit it on the floor! Seriously?
In Target one time, while we were on vacation, I took my daughter into the restroom and almost entered the first empty stall with her when I noticed it looked like someone hosed down the wall (yes the wall) with Wolf Brand Chili. How does a person even do that?!
A good thing though, about the public toilets here, is that they are free, unlike France. I had to pay almost every time I needed to pee when I was in France. The worst part was finding out that their pay toilets on the street corners close at 10 PM. This was near the Eiffel Tower, and I had never needed to pee so bad in my life. Long story short…I relieved myself behind the Police Station under the Eiffel Tower. It was very muddy back there, so evidently I wasn’t the first.
So Space, how do you feel about public toilets?

No, you definitely weren’t the first to pee there that day. My trick is I like to pee while I’m up on the eiffel tower. See how many french people I can hit. But having just gotten back from our Florida vacation, and having driven the trip rather than flying, I can safely say I’ve stopped at damn near every rest stop from here to Tampa. I seemed to have swallowed something bad, because on our trip home, I found it necessary to pay every one of them a visit, and I got to try out all the comfortable toilet seats. I saw metal ones, plastic ones, ones with cigarette burns in them (how the hell does that even happen? I mean, in what situation would anyone ever find it necessary to set a lit cigarette on a public toilet seat?), ones with a sort of chunky blend of blackened elephant bile, steamed llama vomit and Sonic chili (with beans), and, of course, fecal matter. And you know what? People are terribly disgusting.
I can use a public toilet if it’s clean. Or at least smells clean. You unroll a roll of toilet paper and cover the seat with it, or you do the ole Osprey Hovering Technique. Well, there is one other option for staying clean in a dirty public restroom. We won’t discuss that one here though. (We do have some class.) But I don’t like the ones that smell like horse urine and fetid dinosaur semen. You know the smell. As soon as you walk in you feel dirty, like you’re absorbing the smell into your clothing. Other than that though, I mean, as long as there’s not feces on the seat, I’m good.
So while I can’t say I really have any opinion one way or the other about public restrooms, I can definitely say that having been in like forty of them on the way home, my faith in humanity stayed right about where it always has been: right around none. But what about urinals? Have you ever had the unfortunate cause to need to use one?

No, but I’m surprised that I haven’t used a urinal, because I can’t stand waiting in the long lines for the ladies’ room. As a chick, I hate waiting on women to do anything. They’re so slow, and don’t care about anyone else. A woman will be in the stall, texting on her cell phone while I’m trying to keep my bladder from exploding. Maybe there should be a special stall over to the side, just for chicks. The stall’s door could be painted black with a pink skull in the middle. Hmmmm, sure that would be cool.
Well, I know our readers would love to read about toilets all day, but I’m a bit flushed. All this writing has me drained. So we’ll leave you with these important words of wisdom (I think I read on a bathroom stall), “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seat-y!”

:| You’re right, I doubt they want to read about this all day, but Hay, you brought it up. That’s why I sighed earlier. I should go ahead and cut this off and stop stalling though, because I am wiped out! Enough shit talking for today. Woo! I have a potty mouth, don’t I? Okay. I’m done.

This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Catina

    hahaha Ya’ll are retarded sometimes :P I love a good pun but I think you need to get out so we can talk about more than bad drivers, fatties and potty humour :)

  2. Catina

    hahahah.. just playin, baby ;) I’m glad you’re writing because I sure don’t have the time to contribute heheh

  3. Space

    You get Haycomet and me started on puns and it gets ridiculous pretty quickly. Catina – it’s not about getting out, it’s about being groan ups.

  4. Phil Mabe

    Yeah I hope next week’s Bacon topic is better. Today’s was kind of shitty.

  5. Catina

    “groan ups”
    wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… (insert sad trumbone here)

  6. Jeremy

    I always put the seat down because seeing all that nastyness on the rim is just fuckin gross. Besides I have a little ocd about seats accidentally falling. :shobon:

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