Have you ever heard of the universal solvent? Well basically it’s a solvent that will eat through anything. Or rather, everything. You pour it on the concrete and it will just fizzle away until it all burns up eating stuff. See that’s the thing, it won’t eat its way all the way through the earth. Think about it. As it eats away at whatever it’s eating away, it uses itself up. So if you pour some on a steel table, it will eat through it, then whatever drips to the floor beneath will be a little less. It then eats through the tile, then the concrete, then some soil, and it’s pretty much down to nothing left at that point. But you do have a nice little hole through your table, foundation and the ground beneath.
So, of course, the question at the end of the riddle is, “What do you put it in?” The old anecdote mentions a guy walking into his boss’s office and saying, “Hey, boss, I finally did it! I finally created the universal solvent!” And his boss looks him up and down and says, “Why isn’t it eating through the beaker?”
This is also quite a bit like the old Liquid Panty Remover. The question is not how it removes them. But rather, where the hell did she ever find a pair of liquid panties to begin with?! Or wait. Maybe it’s not at all like that. Okay, sorry. Moving along then.
But seriously, how awesome would it be to have a universal solvent? Well that got me thinking about other things of superlative stature. Like unscratchable glass. Have you seen the new HTC Evo phones? They’re probably the sexiest piece of technology I’ve ever seen. Big gorgeous beautiful screen. That’s supposedly completely scratch-proof. A dude did a video where he scraped at it with a penny, a screw, a razor and some keys. And no, it didn’t scratch. But he was just applying pocket-like pressure. I think I could scratch it with a razor if you give me a crack at it!
I actually got a screen protector for my Devour and it was pretty nice. It didn’t really scratch badly or anything. But it advertised that this was the shit they use on military helicopter blades to keep them from scratching. Ahem. Why, exactly do you need them not to scratch? Yeah. But it’s supposedly scratch-proof. Well it did well until I scratched it with my fingernail.
Well see the thing is, anytime somebody advertises that something is something-proof, someone somewhere will try to do something to it. Wow, that was a lot of pronouns. But if you release something that’s scratch-proof, the first thing people will do is try to scratch it. If you release something that purports to remove liquid panties for you, the first thing someone will do is spray it on women’s panties. Well, wait, that might be the point of it… But you see what I mean. So you can’t be surprised when it gets scratched and some douchebag posts a video on youtube saying, “Guys this is fake and gay. False advertising! See, you can scratch an iPhone screen with a diamond-tip drill bit!” Hey, alls I’m saying, friends, is don’t be that guy. Please.
Another of those superlative products is Resolve. You got some grape juice stain on your carpet? Yeah. Resolve will get it out. Be careful though and follow these directions for best results:
- Make sure not to point it at yourself
- Make sure not to get any on you
- Make sure your carpet is white or light brown
As long as you follow all those simple instructions, you’ll have great results. You spray that shit on dark brown carpet though, you’ll pull the color off your carpet. That’s like mineral spirits or gasoline! Ha! Shit! WD-40 is another of these though, works every time. So is duct tape. And I know you’ve all heard the phrase, “If you want it to move and it doesn’t – WD-40; if you want it not to move and it does – duct tape”. Well that’s pretty true. Duct tape is the universal solvent of tapes.
If we move over to the medicine field, there are two medicines I can think of immediately that work every time, flawlessly, just as advertised. Number one is Gas-X. If you got gas, and you want to – well, ex it, here’s your drug. The other is Immodium AD. If you’ve got the runs, this seals your buns! That used to be their slogan back in the seventies. But no, really. You take two pills after your first colon blow, and if you have another ass piss after that, you take another pill. If you have even yet another rectal rainstorm, you take another. You can take up to four of them in a day. But see, here’s the deal. I’ve never had to take more than the first dose. It’s like sending Vin Diesel or Danny Trejo down into your guts with a machete and a length of piano wire to go tell the diarrhea who the hell’s boss. Usually after the first dose, it gets the point pretty quick. It’s like, “Uh, sorry Mr Trejo. I uh, well, I really don’t have any excuse. I’ll solidify and get on outta here.” Works every time.
I mean, seriously. Look at that guy. If he came into your house with his shirt off and said, “Knock that shit off,” I guarantee the first thing you said would not be, “Why are you in my house?” It would be something more along the lines of, “Yes sir.”