Bacon Talk: Dream Houses

Good morning, and happy Friday to you all, oh seekers of the bacon! Welcome to another edition of Bacon Talk, the weekly SpaceBrew feature John Goodman mentioned in his recent interview with Conan O’Brien! This week, we’re sitting inside the cozy confines of our office living room, by a crackling fire. It’s cold out there! And after last week’s episode, the new balcony collapsed, killing several birds and a nest of baby kittens. I assure you, this was not Butch’s or Bruno’s fault, though they are on administrative leave, pending the outcome of the investigation. We’re just thankful no one was out on the balcony when it collapsed. Well, the window cleaning guy was, but no one will even miss him.
So how do you feel today, Hay Hay? Word around the campfire is that you’ve got your cake site all set up now. Is that so?

Why yes, Space, that is so… thanks to you. I just need to start adding pictures of the crazy cakes I’ve made in the last eight years. I’ve made everything from guitar and drum cakes to a teddy bear pirate cake. Maybe the site will launch my career as a cakist and then I can quit my day job.

Indeed. So anyway, I wanted to talk today about dream houses. We’ve all thought about what kind of home we would build were we to win the lottery. So let’s talk about it here! First of all, let’s get the basic question out of the way. The number uno anyone asks when talking about dream homes: how big would it be?

I always thought that bigger would be better. I wanted a house I could wander through and maybe even get lost. If I really think about it though, I want something I can keep clean easily. I don’t want to hire maids. So maybe 5,000 square feet max, with no more than five bedrooms, two full, luxurious bathrooms and a half-bath. How big is yours, Space? Uh, your dream house that is.

Oh, about nine and a half. Bathrooms, that is. See, I was always with you on bigger is better. Hey, everybody. But I, like you, don’t want that much to clean. I’m all about hiring a butler, a maid and a cleaning crew. But it would have to be comprised entirely of people I trust and know. Not just some randoms off the street. But my biggest concern isn’t the cleaning. It’s the keeping up with all that shit. Because obviously you’d have to fill the rooms with something. And another thing: I don’t know if I’d ever really feel secure in a ten-thousand square-foot mansion. Especially not for my kids. That’s a lot of area to patrol.

I think a major point would be where to build the house. Preferably my dream house would be near the beach. I would want to see it and smell it from my balcony. That’s right, it would have a non-creaky, non-collapsible balcony. I don’t want to be completely isolated from other people, I would want my close friends and family to live next door to me. So Space, I hope you like the beach. I also want to be located near necessities, like grocery stores, hospitals, and so on. What is your ideal location?

Meh. Doesn’t matter. The beach would be fine. And I know my red-haired wife likes the beach. It’s not so much where it is on the ground. It’s where it is in relation to the ground. Yes. I am saying that half of the house would be subterranean. I would have like four levels of basement. That would be so awesome. And my theater would be in the very bottom level. Talk about dark and movie-ready!
See, that’s the thing I’ve always thought about when I consider my dream house. I’ve always thought about what rooms I’d have. Not really how big the house is. So I would have to have the following rooms, for sure:

  • a study, or library with reading chairs
  • a basement with giant laundry rooms
  • a home theater with theater seating
  • a server room on its own grid
  • some amount of secret rooms or passages

My red-haired wife always makes fun of me for that last item on the list. But seriously, if you’re going to build a house, why wouldn’t you put in some secret passages or something? Or at least a panic room! What do you think, Hay?

Secret passages would be cool, and secret compartments are a must, too. There would be a way to protect one’s self and a flashlight hidden in a secret compartment in every room. I might have a panic room for my child’s sake, but there would be plenty of deterrents put in place, so hopefully no one could make it into my dream house without my permission. I would want a small armory, and hey, while I’m at it, why not a small wine cellar? I know, I know, wine and guns don’t mix. That is why I will keep plenty of beer stocked in the refrigerator.
Space, you like gadgets and technology so much, would you want your dream house to have smart home technologies or a home automation systems? You know, you could walk into a room and the house would recognize you and play your favorite music, or adjust the temperature based on personal settings.

Yes! Some Bill Gates House action going on for sure. I would love that. I have always wanted to be part of building my next house – dream house or not – so I could run cable in the walls to every room. Every room would have several network drops, and – yes, now that you mention it – some high quality speakers in the ceiling. I also think the old technology of intercom systems throughout the house is underrated. I think I would bring that back. As a matter of convenience, I can push a button and call my kids to eat from any room.
Temperature adjustments would be cool too. (see what I did there?) If your system recognized every member of the family, you could do some really cool stuff. And when it notices that my red-haired wife and I have both walked into a room together… Here comes the Barry White on the speakers and the lights dim nicely. And here’s a funny side note, Hay. Until you get me programmed into your central computer, your rooms wouldn’t do anything for me when I walked into them. You know why? Because I won’t be part of your system. Ahem.
I’ve also always envisioned having three-foot-thick walls between all the rooms, but the doors to each room being around a sort of corner. In this manner, you could hide the fact that the walls were so thick. Unless people saw the floor plan, they’d never know you had secret passages that connected every single room. And in every room you could have small access panels to the central passage system, with a meeting area somewhere down in the basement. Oh man, I could go on and on about this stuff.
Okay. So bottom line: you’re given a large amount of money to add on to your existing house. But you can’t build a whole new dream house. What one room or idea do you build onto your existing house? Let’s say the funds are unlimited, but you are just really, really attached to your current home. What do you add?

I want to immediately say I would have a state of the art kitchen, but I don’t want to be selfish. Wait… an awesome kitchen wouldn’t be just for me. My whole family would enjoy it. Okay, so I would go crazy with the kitchen! I would quadruple the size of it, add granite counter tops, and one of those cool cushioned tile floors since I’m on my feet in the kitchen a lot. This dream kitchen would have a huge island in the middle where everyone could gather to eat or just hang out and talk. I would have dark cabinets, and the refrigerator and dishwasher would have the wood cabinet doors as well. I think I would put a small couch in there too, because seriously, that would be best room in the house. Oh, and it would have the best of the best appliances: a convection oven, a conventional oven, and a magnetic induction cooktop!
Space, do you have anything else to add about your dream house?

You just gave me major tired-head talking about your kitchen. Glad you’re so interested in it though, since that’s really kind of your place. I’m just sayin. Yeah, I would add on a bad ass enclosed winter patio. Since we’re getting crazy with stuff, I would go ahead and pour new concrete out there, get me a gigantic patio that’s enclosed with windows I could open, screens on the windows and a glass roof through which I could look at the stars. I would have comfortable leather chairs and awesome decorative tables that doubled as mini-fridges beside every seat. Full of Cold Ones. A powerful smoke ventilator in case anyone wants to smoke out there, and a can crusher for all the beer cans. Oh. And definitely, an awesome sound system and a television. And probably a hot tub while we’re at it. With a sign above it that says, “Dudes don’t wear tops in here. So neither do the women.” Or something equally as clever. And I think that about sums it up. Oh. And a urinal. You know, just in case.
And I guess that’s about it. We may need to hit this topic again next week just to make sure we’ve covered everything. Because I know there’s a lot more I would do to my dream house. Until then, though, you all have a good weekend.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. SahSah

    outlets in the floor
    4200 square feet
    5 bedrooms/3.5 bathrooms
    office and a library big enough for baby grand piano
    stunning kitchen – much like Haycomet’s
    BIG bathtubs with jets
    wood floors
    big living room/media/music and a game room for the big kids
    3 car garage
    huge patio and pool/hot tub
    I actually desigend my home. Drew the floor plan, had it uploaded to the builder’s system and gave my down payment. Got divorced – didn’t get the plans back and they built it. It’s sitting there with some other idiot living in it. I should at least get paid for the design right??

  2. steppy

    I love the way you think honey! This is a perfect dream house! I would of course have the most magnificent yard ever. I mean as much time as we spend on our patio, it would be the cream of the crop!

  3. SahSah

    Thanks Catina! I left out one important detail. I have 3 boys. I would have 1 bathroom with floor to ceiling tile and multiple drains, 3 shower heads and urinals. That way I can just throw a gallon or so of bleach in there – no scrubbing!

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