Humanity’s Weird Beliefs

Have you ever wondered why some people latch onto certain things that make absolutely no sense, defy all logic and, furthermore, are most likely fake and gay? Here’s where you insert your own noun or quirky belief – mostly having to do with religions. But I prefer not delve into that here. I don’t want to offend anyone with talk about h- –SEVEN VIRGINS? SERIOUSLY? Sorry. That sort of slipped out. But no, I’m not really talking about religions. That’s just too easy. Sort of like traffic rants. Ahem.

No, what I’m more referring to is stuff like lore. Legend, rumor and hearsay. Like bigfoot. We’ve spent so many years looking for (and never finding any evidence of) this supposed big apish hairy monster that lives in the woods. Why? Well forget I asked that. People are humans. But the funny thing is that no one has ever seen bigfoot in real life. (Because he doesn’t existโ€ฆ) No one. Has seen bigfoot. Yet some people still believe in him. Huh? It’s okay to want to believe. Hell, I’d love to think there are some crazy animals and monsters and shit living in the woods. That would make it that much more interesting. And that’s fine. I could invest my life in searching for them. That’s fine too. Maybe a little gay, but okay, at least you’re hanging out in the woods while you look for it. I would say don’t make that your primary focus โ€“ at least be doing something productive, like studying flowers or the elusive spotted humpback bumble wasp… But yeah, I could dedicate part of my life to the search for an awesome monster. But seriously? Believe in it before you find evidence?

seriously. i really doAliens? UFOs? Yeah, I want so badly to believe in that. I really, really do. I don’t think there has to be other life out there, necessarily, but I think there could be. That’s a very believable possibility though. A lot more than some hairy dude in the woods. So people believing there are aliens is fine. But why must they all look the same in everyone’s story? Of course he’s about four feet tall and has huge almond-shaped eyes and a tiny chin! Because that’s the way everyone else has described him for a hundred years! See, I’m ready for an original description of an alien. Something that’s not necessarily bi-pedal and has four or five fingers on both hands and looks roughly humanoid. How about one that looks like a big tuba with wheels on it? Seriously. They could be so different than anything you’ve ever imagined, that you wouldn’t recognize it as a creature at all. If you want to go for the bug look, I’d say District 9 did a pretty damn good job there, you should go see that. And also, by the way, I have a review of that movie coming up pretty soon.

And of course, I got into describing the Heaven’s Gate clan before, and how they believed that they needed to die with a roll of quarters in their pockets. Ahem. Because their ghosts will be able to take the quarters with them. To the spaceship behind the Hale-Bopp comet. That has payphones on it. That take American currency. Sigh. This one really just makes me want to kill myself in the face. You mean an alien spaceship bought or built or contracted out labor to design and invest in a phone system that uses American currency? SERIOUSLY, are you kidding me that you actually believe that? And are willing to die for it? Jesus, people.

I think what we’ve seen is that humans are willing, able and ready to believe in whatever is thrown their way. Some people believe that Elvis is still alive. Uh huh. Yeah, see that one makes sense. Because um… Well, it just does. People just have the weirdest ability to believe in things they cannot establish as reality. So I have a new one for you. And I am strongly looking for proof and evidence. Because I want so badly to believe in this. I have a theory that women have something growing from their chests that is both soft and firm, and most likely a very beautiful thing to behold. Now my theory postulates that they typically come in pairs, not always identical, but usually close, and somewhat symmetrical. I, however, cannot prove any of this to be true. So I need evidence. I need to further my research. Please, if any women have any pictures of your bare chests, please send them to me for investigative purposes. Or you can come up to the SpaceBrew offices and just show me. Prove me right, or prove me a lunatic. Either is fine. But support my research!

Another thing I want to believe in is the Bloop. If you’ve not yet heard about this phenomenon, go check it out and read all the references too. There’s some good shit on there. And when all is said and done, that’s one of the spookiest creatures I’ve ever imagined. I wanna go SCUBA diving down there in the cold blue ocean, in search of the Bloop. Anyone with me?

FTL travel, Einstein-Bose particles, anti-gravity, ghosts, school book depositories, mammoth squids, two-headed snakes, evolution… I’ve heard them all. And this does tie in closely to my column about conspiracy theories. But they are all valid subjects to be sought. Why, though, are humans so lost, and full of such yearning to dive into some sort of belief about something? Is it because they have a hole in their soul and they need Jesus? Is it because they’re lonely? Or is it because there really is some weird shit going on out there in the world, and we’ve just not been able to prove it yet? Perhaps we’ll never know, and since we’ll never know most of it, people will go right on believing in it just the same. Which, I guess is okay. But let’s seriously take a look at these chest growths. I think there could be something there I could really latch onto.

(Now there would be a belief that wouldn’t get you very far… To think I would end a column with a preposition.)





6 Responses

  • Jeremy says:

    Have you heard of Scientology? It takes a special person to believe in that. And yes I mean “special.” And its not even a real religion.

  • Stout says:

    I’ve got a couple of cousins that look kind of like Bigfoot. Does that count as evidence?

  • Haycomet says:

    I still think we’ll find the Goatman. We need to go hunting for him again soon.

  • Space says:

    Yes, Jeremy, I have. In fact, that one should be at the top of the list of idiotic beliefs. Scientology is like the club all the people join who can’t get into MENSA – its polar opposite.

    Stout – So it runs in the family then?

    Hayley – Yes, we do. And this time I’m bringing my Goat Cheese to lure him in.

  • Yes send me those chest pictures too please ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Phil Mabe says:

    You should make an image sign like that one above that has breasts on it with “I Need to Believe” written on it.

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