How I Conquered Heartburn

I know a lot of people who are permanently on some kind of acid reflux medication. What is it about today’s people – or today’s diet – that is so much worse for us than back in say, the 70s? Were people riddled with perpetual daily heartburn back then the way they are today? I would guess they were, but no one has ever confirmed this. My real question, obviously, is what did they do before Omeprazole?

Well I’ve been on it for at least twelve years. I think closer to fifteen. I know they took Propulsid off the shelves back in April of 2000. And I was on that. Apparently it caused heart attacks and all other kinds of bad schlit. But I know I was on permanent daily medication already at the point when I started taking this deadly medication. And I don’t remember how long I’d been on it. So at least twelve, possibly as much as fifteen years of my life, I’ve dealt with GERD. And I’m son-of-a-bitching tired of it.

It’s not a big deal for me to take a pill every morning, and be completely comfortable throughout the entire day. In fact, it’s a dream. I can eat whatever I want, do whatever I want, and be whomever I want to be. I can eat pizza with jalapenos and chase it with a nice ice-cold mug of Conspiracy and never have a problem. So why, then, would I want to get off of it?

Well the long-term side-effects are worse than heartburn. Bone breakage, osteoporosis, liver failure, et cetera. The list apparently goes on. And I’ve been on this stuff for over a decade. But the real problem for me was that my pharmacy, which always auto-filled the script for me, stopped auto-filling. And they didn’t tell me how many refills I had. Or anything. Basically I had to do this all myself. That’s a whole other story. But it got me to thinking. Well, to waking up, more specifically. Because when I ran out of that stuff, after two days I was dying. Not just figuratively. I mean, I would have pain so bad I would bend over grasping at my burning esophagus, cringing in the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

Imagine someone taking a toilet brush made of steel wool. Pouring gasoline on it, setting it on fire, then shoving it down your throat and scrubbing the inside of your esophagus for you for about three minutes at a time, several times an hour throughout the day. And when they pull it out, they pour more gasoline down your throat, light that on fire, then stick a pin cushion full of backwards-facing needles down your throat. And then they take razors and… Well, you get the point. It’s incredible pain. Well, there’s got to be a better way.

There’s the old conspiracy theory, of course, that MDs – as in Medical Doctors, not DOs – are not interested in healing the sick, but rather in treating the symptoms. So they prescribe medicine. This is why I always go to a DO when I do see a doctor. Because I want him to fix the root cause, not just treat the symptoms. Well, the thing is, Nexium and Prilosec and Aciphex and Omeprazole and all those others are all good at one thing: relief from heartburn. But they don’t fix the problem. In fact, they make it worse.

See, there are two problems that cause reflux. One is an overage of acid in the stomach. The other is a shortage of acid. I know it seems ridiculous, but it’s true. Because most of us, including me, are in this latter group. When food isn’t processed properly by phase one of your digestive assembly line (stomach acid), it enters phase two – your intestine – before it’s been broken down properly. This causes all sorts of bad stuff to happen – namely, acid reflux. So how do you get a little acid in your belly?

Hey, what’s up, Apple Cider Vinegar? The good stuff, Bragg unpasteurized, unfiltered, raw, with Mother of Vinegar in it… Well, it doesn’t taste great. I actually found that mixing a tablespoon with Sprite or Squirt or one of those blonde sodas made it quite pleasant. But a tablespoon after breakfast and another between lunch and dinner will do it. Furthermore, it almost instantly gets rid of the pain. Crazy go nuts!

So I spent twelve days on this stuff. Then I quit using it. My body is back to normal already. I’m making my own acid again and everything is peachy. I still have bad minutes in my day. But I used to have good minutes in my day. And the rest of the day was bad. Now it’s a few bad minutes in an otherwise gloriously wonderful, acid-free day.

This is such an exciting event that I decided to write a nearly thousand-word column about it on a site typically known for comedy and half-truths. But seriously, friends. Try this. A bottle of Bragg ACV is like four bucks at your Kroger, and it works as advertised. I’m not guaranteeing you’ll be fixed in twelve days. I know a lot of people who use it permanently. But it’s a good way to get off medication that will never heal you. Even after the first dose of the stuff, my life was improved so drastically that I couldn’t shut up about it. And my friends know I’m not usually one to belabor a point!

Right guyz?

Try it. It could change your life.

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